Come Join My Circus, I’m Recruiting

I’ve been mulling this post over in my head for a few days.  I’m sure I’ve written something like it before but I haven’t the motivation to go track it down in a decade plus of writings.  I’ve been very slowly reengaging with my kinky self and in doing so have had a few things happen that I’m gonna talk about today.  One is I’ve returned to FET which is not my natural habitat anymore but there are some nice folks there and it is a centralized landing pad.  If I can find another space that better suits my needs I’ll head there.  This would be a lovely time for someone to develop an alternative.  I’ll be happy to pay a membership fee especially if it was POC centered and/or (preferably AND) women felt safe to explore without the creepers.  I’ve also been horny which isn’t to say I haven’t been horny in the last few years but it’s a different kind of need and a lot of it centers in the fact that I want to have some pain with my orgasms and as I willingly told the Dutchman I am unable to really hurt myself to achieve that goal.  Finally, I’ve been reflecting on my dominant partners again and why some resonated with me long after the fact and others did not.  All I’ve really come up with is some of them tapped into some primal part of my brain and it rewired my kink a bit.

My dominant partners have all been entirely different people with different areas of interest.  The two that had the most in common, and that’s not saying much, were the Dutchman and Good Nyte.  In this case, I think it was there situations and height that synced them up in my brain more than anything they were interested in.  GN wanted a lovely kajira who could rest in pose while he tended to things.  That kajira could, maybe should, also be a bit of a slut who could make his knees buckle.  I was never able to rest in pose.  That shit is uncomfortable.  I was intrigued by it and tried it a few times though.  The Dutchman felt like he was trying to siphon off my rational mind so that the only thing I ever thought about, wanted, needed, and tried to please was him.  Even as I was balancing, or trying to, things between him and Mr. Wolf it was the directives of DM that overruled my brain more often than not.  That doesn’t make for the best polyamory situation but it wasn’t because I was trying to be difficult.  One partner just knew how to read me in ways I can’t fully articulate.  If you’ve made it here you’ll probably wondering what I saw that they (GN and DM) had in common and really they were about the same height, same build and I met them both at the end of their respective marriages.  I may have been a trigger for them too but I haven’t asked so let me live in my delusion.

Each of my dynamics has pushed me a little further into submission.  Emperor thought all of me was hardwired to be a submissive with slave tendencies.  I disagreed with him at the time because slave held such a negative connotation in my brain.  He was not a Dom though.  He was a Master and he engaged in this particular brand of kink to reclaim the word, the roles and to sometimes terrorize non Black partners I think.  Regardless, we were not together long enough for me to figure out anything other than I like it a lot when my partner is fully in control of me.  Roaming Soldier let me explore my kinky babygirl side and I appreciate that.  He was nurturing and domineering and gave me what I needed more than I fully considered.  It wasn’t an initially desired transition between him and GN, but it made it easier to do so.  GN definitely explored our sexual kink more.  He enjoyed stuffing things inside of me and I enjoyed making him happy as objects stretched me open and made me cry.  I liked making him so horny that he had to guard himself from injuring me.  Breath play was amazing when he was already stroking me deeply and making me whimper.  Lots and lots of increasingly debased sex, not as much training because I think we just set each other off.  Mr. Wolf was not ready to be my Dom and I should have shut that down well before he did.  I was looking for a dominant partner and he had domineering down but he could not lead me.  He was too new and he never could tap into the mental side of how to control me.  Granted DM was already doing a bang up job of that but Mr. Wolf’s sledgehammer approach always felt like too much and not enough at the same time.  If the dynamic didn’t do anything else, it taught me not to hesitate when something really doesn’t feel right.  And then there was DM.  In retrospect, DM felt like when you’re watching a film and a character is overrun–magically or otherwise–by a person or entity.  They sit there with closed eyes silently smiling to themselves as their senses and mind were slowly consumed by this invading presence.  And before anyone wonders why the fuck wouldn’t you run from that, all I can say is it was fucking blissful.  You’d have to know me as a woman and submissive.  For me it was like a release valve.  I didn’t have to think too hard.  I didn’t have to be different.  I just needed to let go of the thoughts I kept at the recesses of my brain.  That I was safe to explore every deep dark facet of my being and he would not only not judge me but he would try to support me in them.  I think I’ve said this before but he felt like coming home.  Like I had been cast out in the wild and there was suddenly someone who saw me and desired what I could willingly provide without making myself into something new.  

Emperor wanted a thin, super submissive with long hair and an almond complexion.  He was clearly dancing in his mother’s issues about colorism and acceptability.  I was none of those things so it was a struggle to understand that I was likely nothing more than a placeholder.  RS didn’t want a new version of me really but I needed to convert to a new religion and would become a stepmother.  GN had a Gorean overlay to his dominance and that meant a lot of reading and posing and more babies.  Mr. Wolf needed a quiet, pliant, and borderline needy woman and I am yeah none of those.  DM just wanted to debase me and lucky me I wanted to be debased.  RS, GN and Mr. Wolf all game me nicknames.  GN is the only one that still uses it and I don’t think anyone else could.  All of those names, reflected both our roles and some aspect of my personality.  Good names but nothing that alerted my attention other than a bit of warmth in my heart.  DM though went into the psyche and drug out what would trigger me and make me a fucking puddle.  Literally no one can use that name but him.  Mr. Wolf tried and it felt so foreign and flat that any moisture I had in my pussy just disappeared.  He also threw me in the shower and tried to piss on me.  Actually, he probably did piss on me but the energy was wrong.  He was trying to fill in after DM had to depart but that wasn’t our dynamic so it never connected as something that could be enjoyable.

You may be noticing a theme and it was one that I struggled with as I was dragging myself back to the precipice of kink.  I consider myself someone who is strong and able to manage my life well.  GN and DM took me out for different reasons but DM is the raining champ of derailing my brain.  I need to find a new version of Dom that is available and wants to keep me evolving.  I think I’m really close to my ideal submissive side and I’ve been working on taking care of my own development from this end of things.  I’ve made peace with the demons and may pet them on the shoulders from time to time.  I want to serve, I want to love, and I want to be loved.  I need to know that as we explore our dark places together that it’s not just a weekend hobby for my partner.  And more than anything, I need someone is able to be trusted to mingle around in my brain, overwhelm me and take me to themselves.

Oh and before I log off, the name of this post comes from a song by Dax called Joker.  Check it out below.

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