It’s been a long month. I thought it would be a smooth slide into the new year but it has not been. Instead, I’ve been presenting a lot, driving a lot, eating out too much, not sleeping enough, trying to manage my stress and health so nothing gets triggered and trying to squash the random emotional flare ups that are brought to the surface by my ex. Which ex you may ask? Really all of them to varying degrees except Mr. Wolf and that is mainly because we don’t stumble upon each other anymore. That relationship is good and over and thankfully he has no desire to haunt my dreams so all is well. I know it’s temporary and it will fade off again like it always will but right now it gives me little moments of anxiety and knots in my stomach.
I’m missing pure domination. Of someone commanding my attention and directing my life. I miss giving up control and I miss a voice in my ear that makes me quiver and start dripping through whatever meeting I’m in and frustrated that I can’t resolve the cratery ache that not being filled up gives me. But I’m annoyed I can’t just join a dating app and say I like to be tied up, chained or whipped by a confident Dominant man who likes to debase me until we both get our rocks off and fall asleep. Then I’ll get up and make food and crawl back into bed like a good little girl. I mean I guess I could but I kinda like paying bills and having a place to sleep so it makes it difficult. That’s what makes the exes more appealing. They know how to wind me up and send me spinning. Unfortunately, that’s not an avenue to pursue. Ah well.