late night realizations and heartbreak and anger and resolve

i read something earlier that i maybe needed to see before but who knows how i would have received it, i keep stressing myself out wondering why these people that i turned myself inside out for don’t want me anymore and the truth is it doesn’t matter, they don’t and never will, i could run into folks on the street and they might be surprised but they won’t be excited and they won’t ever want me again, my pain and loneliness is mine and mine alone to do something about.

I may or may not go to sleep after this. I am debating a lot of things right now. I wanted to scream and then I cried. I broke tonight. Maybe I needed to. Maybe not but for more than 20 years I have been looking for some man who loved more than fucking and hurting me. I get hopeful and things are good until they aren’t and I am left in some degree of pain and desperation. I am disappointed that I kept waiting on one of them to prove me wrong. That I was worthy of the same effort I was extending to them.  But really none of that matters.  I was holding myself up and back.  Each of those men are living their lives and if I cross their minds at all it will likely to be tied to making their dicks hard.  Complimentary as that may be, it doesn’t help me out.  I could blame it on loving too hard and hoping for a fairy tale.  My much better written version of 50 Shades.  My Dominant knight in shiny armor bearing ropes and control.  It’s all I dreamed about and I did almost nothing to ensure it happened.
So now I’m hurt and angry and they are sleeping.  I realize the host of mistakes I made and there’s no way to repair them now.  Nor should I.  Those relationships served a purpose and I need to let all of it go.  I just want some peace.   

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