I didn’t get enough of it but I got some good sleep last night. Then I got the toss and turn as 7 am hit and my bladder said bitch get out of bed. It allowed me to see that Novak won before it got too late in the day and to have an epiphany as I was dragging my ass back to the bathroom because apparently 90 more minutes of sleep warranted another bladder emptying trip. This will be a bit windy so if you don’t want to read anything else here’s a synopsis: upset subbie girl finally realized why the last breakup was continuing to wreck her.
I have a work friend that has become a very good friend. When I complain about things at work she often looks at me like I’m stupid and says you’re doing it again. Then I have to slow down and remember what she has frequently said. I’m smarter than I think I am and as a result I can see something play out based on the information present well before the folks around me can. After denying it for a while, I have come to accept that she might be right. And in the middle of my brain coming together and making plans for today I realized what exactly was derailing me about things with one of my former Dominant partners.
So with my vanilla and kink relationships, I have often been able to reasonably predict why or how a relationship would end. With Mr. Wolf, we didn’t want the same things and eventually how we approached relationships was gonna set us on fire. Now, I couldn’t have predicted my mother would get ill and make me refocus on something outside of that relationship but I also wasn’t upset by it. That’s my mom and no I’m not worried about coming to see you or talking to you right now. I gotta fend calls from relatives, keep in touch with my brother and stay on top of her doctors. He felt neglected and boom no mas relationship. Literally the worst part of that was knowing he was going to start going off about how I didn’t know what I wanted and xyz. But in terms of relationship bounce back, it was almost immediate.
With GN, I knew that if he left he wouldn’t come back. Not because he didn’t want to but he was going to see his kids full time and his fear that they would be taken from him was gonna override any connection we had or my ability to assist him with a custody case. That hurt, a lot, I took a long time to heal once I was clear that what I thought was going to happen was actually taken place. It was rough to go from seeing him daily, to upon occasion, to not at all and even fewer conversations. But I saw it coming so part of my brain just needed to rebound and find the right connection next to explore some other parts of my submission.
I didn’t get a chance to really build anything with Emperor before it was clear he was a little more vacuous than I thought he was and it was over. And RS and I made lots of plans and then there was just a blank page. Literally and figuratively. No more contact, totally blocked my writing and it was kind of like he was a ghost or a figment of my imagination.
Then there was The Dutchman. He was like a lightening rod. When I was finally able to process that we were both interested in each other, it wasn’t from the rational place I normally function in or operate from. I was imagining teaching near him so he could manhandle me during the workday and chain me up every weekend. Wasn’t sure what I was going to do with mom but I was so high that I didn’t entirely care. I craved him and pleasing him became one of the only things I could envision. He broke my boundaries and gave me the sense of chaos, calm, and lust that I needed to sink into my submission into an entirely different way. Y’all I flew across the globe for this man and cried when I left because I was coming down from the high of being with me for a few hours. Eventually, I felt like he may have been lying to me about some things but I can legitimately say I did not care. I NEEDED HIM. And I did for some of the growth I made but not in the ways my incredibly foolish heart believed. But in all of that I didn’t see how it would end, that there would just be a day when there was nothing else, that my longing would just have to be repressed because there was no place to put it. But I just didn’t see it.
What I realized this morning between bathroom visits was that I couldn’t see it because I was feeling it. I was feeling it like I imagine someone does when they are detoxing and it just fucking hurt. So when it hurt, I ignored it and stomped it down because that was not emotion I knew how to process on any fucking level. Had he materialized at any point in time and called me by my pet name, I think I would have soaked my panties and started looking for jobs again. And I do mean again, I had checked the immigration policies, if I needed to be fluent in Dutch, what my salary would be, how hard it would be to visit my brother and his family. I was ready to go. He just had to tell me to come. I of the “fuck you and your feelings I’m gonna keep living” house of subs was ready to chuck all of my life the deuces if this man had said yes bitch come now. If there’s a Sunken Place for submissives in lust/love/addicted to their Doms, I was taking up residence and didn’t know I should even want to escape. He never asked though. One day he was just gone and my planning brain couldn’t wrap around his absence. I just functioned for a while and then when it was time to get back to the grind, I crushed it but the emotion was still lingering there unresolved. I don’t know why everything felt so final lately but I hope this is the last dance I have to do with that.
I want someone that can make me look for real estate somewhere in devotion but also someone that it never occurs to me wants to leave because we are so well suited. That’s it and that’s all. But I’m feeling calm again. I accept that whatever he used to want, he doesn’t anymore with me. And it’s been long enough that if the universe is ready to finally find the person that makes me consider a healthier relocation plan I’m game. But if not then fuck it, I’ll keep up the other things I’ve been doing. A new round of kinky journaling, working on my diet and back to working out with my Mirror. It’s been a minute since I worked out and that 30 minutes of yoga made me tired. I’ve nodded off several times typing this up lol. Gonna see what the boxing workout feels like on Tuesday maybe.