This will be random as hell or what I think I want right now

I started on this post a few hours ago and then got distracted.  I do that though so I wasn’t feeling upset about that.  It let me settle into my thoughts more and come at this from a different perspective.  I am not a huge horoscope girl.  I read them from time to time just because they can be intriguing but when I take those random quizzes allegedly tied to my date of birth the same things register all of the time.  One set of things being that I am fiercely protective of those I love and will often put them ahead of myself because I don’t like anyone being picked on or taken advantage of on any level.  The other side of things is I’m good until I’m not and once you piss me the fuck off I may try to pull your spinal cord through your through or chest cavity.  Whichever will make you hurt more, I guess.  I don’t like getting angry or annoyed with people because I’m almost always seen as in the wrong or overreacting.  That someone else has been tap dancing on a nerve or is being short with me is almost never registered.  The fact that someone is asking me something that is meant to deliberately annoy the piss out of me is overlooked and I’m supposed to be the bigger person.  I do recognize the truth in both sides of myself so I don’t beat myself up over it.  There are nuances there and if people are just clear and straight with me then I can be clear and straight with them.  But when people keep tap dancing on a line and annoying the nerve that is my civil nature it takes a lot for me to walk back to a place of chill with them.  None of this, or most of this, isn’t kink related but I needed to vent for a bit.

So back to what this post is about.  Last night I read something from a pretty popular person on Fet about recognizing they couldn’t be poly romantically or sexually because they just couldn’t but the idea of playing with other people was intriguing in the let’s spank/tie up/burn/torture/whip/you get the idea other people sense of the word play.  That resonated with me more than I thought it would.  We all know my last foray into poly crashed and burned hard but I don’t think I was honest enough with myself about why.  I was annoyed when Mr. Wolf didn’t tell me about having sex with his other playmates.  Not because I didn’t expect him to do so but because I was unaware and I didn’t like being unaware.  After that, I was kind of relieved because I assumed it would make me less desirable on one plane.  That did not turn out to be the case but his extra relationship dalliances never crossed my mind after he told me about them.  I didn’t invest emotional energy in those connections which if you know me is slightly amazing for me.  I wasn’t even pressed about when he tied them up or spanked them mostly because he rarely abused me in the way I needed before jumping to having sex with me.  He should have been, in relation to the conversation I read about last night and settled in on myself, a play partner at best.  Playing with my girly bits was a good placeholder but it didn’t ever get me higher than the vanilla realm did unless we had played hard before we got started and at that point anyone could have made me loopy.  That’s not a knock on him.  It’s just recognition that I wasn’t in the right space mentally or emotionally for that connection to work the way I wanted it to in the long run.  

However, things with the Dutchman were almost the polar opposite.  With him I was greedy and needy and desperately wanted to, as was stated last night, to own all of his orgasms and all of his desires.  That wasn’t possible, least of which because we were thousands of miles apart, but because that’s never who he pretended to be with me.  He never wanted the control I willingly gave him.  The control that Mr. Wolf fought me for and lost in our battle of wills most of the time.  I couldn’t submit to him because he never exuded the kind of dominance that seemed to naturally emanate from the Dutchman.  However, it didn’t matter that he made my brain fuzzy, bent or broke limits I thought I had, and made me so fucking desperate it felt like I couldn’t breathe without his attention.  He wasn’t built for me.  Not in the he couldn’t handle me way of thinking.  Just the I wanted all of him exclusively but that didn’t make sense more him or us for a number of reasons in that situation.  

But ultimately, I want what I read about last night.  I want the man who makes me stupid about the brain to only want to play in my brain despite who he may abuse later.  I don’t care who makes him hard as long that erection ends up down my throat, lodged in my ass or pounding my pussy.  And if he wants to give my orgasms away that’s his decision but the dripping is tied to his control and energy.  I miss that aspect of being in a dynamic more than anything else.  I miss the innate sense of peace that comes from belonging to the right person.  The person that rests easy in my mind and draws me to be a better version of me.  That person that hurts me and recovers with me and lets me see their broken bits while letting me repair them as well.  That person that lets me be soft and silly and safe with them because the only kind of hurting they invest in is the kind we both fucking enjoy.  I don’t know that I’ll ever get it but I know what I want.  I want a pseudomonogamous relationship in which we feed each others wants, hopes and dreams while also giving each other space to explore things we individually cannot give each other and bringing home that excitement and joy.  That sounds fucking lovely.

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