Two for Today

stiched heart


Prompt for yesterday: What are you struggling with right now? Lots of things and nothing simultaneously. I’m on deadlines with a few things and have resolved a few others.  That perpetual stress is not new or even terribly frustrating if I’m being honest.  That is my life.  I sort of discussed it with a friend yesterday and realizing that I likely need a partner who is as busy or busier than I am so that when we both come up for air it’s hang out time and we can bask in each other.  I struggle with that idea because shit I am ridiculously busy more often than not and my free time is limited as fuck.  And unfortunately for me, when I’m free my partner has historically been pissed I was tied up for so long or unable to luxuriate in us for a few days.  I know all those things so it’s not a full on struggle.  It is just there.  And permanently putting away my feelings for a former partner ebbs and flows.  I’m in an ache phase right now.  Not sure what to do with that but acknowledge that it doesn’t feel good and it won’t because there was never a resolution.  Okay that’s bullshit.  Resolution is it’s over.  There was never a goodbye.  An angry, tepid, sad, happy, whatever goodbye never happened.  I kind of ran away because I wasn’t sure what there was left to do and now I’m trying to put away whatever that means again.  I want them to be happy.  And I don’t think I make them happy or not happy enough to keep trying to figure this out.  But the what could have been dancing around my head tonight and while I don’t like it, I accept it.  That achy dance is not there constantly and I will have more days that don’t contain painful choreography than that will.  It’s just a bad time.  And I think I just realized something else five seconds after hitting publish.  I miss serving someone.  I miss having someone have some level of dominion over me.  Part of my ache for things gone is because even though I don’t think they wanted that level of my surrender, is they were the last person that made me feel completely owned and I want that.  In a time where my life is still perpetually chaotic, serving and submitting gives me a place and space to calm myself and direct my energy into another thing that I don’t have to control.  I miss that probably more than I realized until just now.

Prompt for today: When you hesitate to write something, what reminder can you give yourself to be as completely honest as you can, both factually and emotionally?  So I don’t hesitate often and if I do it’s to spare someone’s feelings or to not invite weirdness into a space that needs no weirdness.  I try to be mindful of what I write here and elsewhere because I don’t want to injure anyone on purpose.  I can write something privately if I need to vent because I can still get it out without damaging anyone.  I know how easily we can be bruised by careless or reckless words.  Otherwise, I say what I need to as directly as I can because I like being clear and don’t want to leave room for interpretation.

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