Yesterday I came back to edit my post to ask if I was missing my ex or missing submitting. I mentioned that to GN and he thought it was more the submission aspects. I’m highly stressed and being without someone that calms me is annoying as shit. I don’t want to have to be in control of everything all the time. Like I really don’t enjoy it. I was watching Rick and Morty last night and was a little jealous that the Citadel found Beth and Jerry in every timeline and conspired to get them together. I’d greatly enjoy someone finding me my boo in every version of reality that I exist in. That way I don’t have to stumble along like a blind hairless monkey hoping for the best. Anyway, the more I think about it, I don’t think it’s an either-or situation here. I think it’s a bit of both. I enjoy/enjoyed him a great deal. I also enjoyed how deeply he pushed me into my submissive self. I miss both of those things and I’m nervous that I won’t get to slip that far with anyone else again.
Prompt for today: What makes you insecure? How do you handle insecurity in the context of your relationship? Outside the relationship? How Does your Dominant handle it? Not sure how long this response will be but buckle up here. Lots of shit makes me insecure. Mostly feeling like I’m failing in some regard but I hate it. I get angry, anxious, and want to eat too much and drink too much until I get sad. Once I get sad I can relax enough to figure out what to do but it takes a while to get to that point plus angry crying is some bullshit just so we’re clear. In a relationship, I get snippy and needy which is not appealing on any level and ends up causing miscommunication and frustration. Outside a relationship, it’s the things I mentioned already and really taking care of mom is what makes me the most insecure. I can do work half asleep. My Dominant partners haven’t routinely handled that well but through no fault of their own. I’m pretty chill and easy to deal with in a D/s relationship until I get insecure. Once that shit descends I probably feel a little Jekyl and Hyde because I can never say clearly that I just need to be reassured right now can you do that for me. Instead, I look insane because I’m asking for attention or ignoring them. Eventually I’ll end up crying and then I may eek out that I was having a moment that could have just been prevented had I fessed up immediately. That is not my style clearly. I should work on that.