Tap tap: Is this thing on? Men (and women hell everyone) do better

I am back on Fetlife but not super active.  I interact in a few groups but mostly I just read and laugh or lust or shake my head.  One group I enjoy is Return to Sender as we all lament the ways in which we are approached online by people who claim to want to get to know us but do the following things:

  • Have essentially blank or limited profiles–what am I supposed to be attracted to here?  You haven’t shared enough about yourself to be engaging.  I don’t need a thesis on your every want and desire but it might be good to know you are interested in more than what orifice you can plunder next.
  • Claim to have read our profiles but are literally doing the things we say don’t do there.  I joke about getting a haiku but to date I’ve only gotten two of those in the many messages I’ve received.  They were horrible but I appreciated the effort.
  • Are super enamored of us until we ask what you are responding to in our profiles, what it is you think we have in common or how we are supposed to know what you are looking for in your blankish profiles.  Then we become bitches, hoes, uninteresting and so on.
  • Make it two messages in and then suddenly are being very invasive about our sex lives or psyches so that we can serve you.  That sounds crazy and if anyone plays along they may be crazy as an FYI.  A good dynamic requires time, effort and communication.  We’re not going to get there in the first message unless that first message goes on between us for weeks and months.
  • Don’t back off when we say we are not interested.  We go from sexy and interesting to old ugly hags who are desperate and lonely.  Seriously dial it down a notch folks.
  • Or are just generally gross.

I know it may seem as if I’m exaggerating but I promise I’m not.  Check out the group.  I haven’t posted my exchanges but this pattern is holding for me to with newer people to the lifestyle.  Older men, or established Dominants tend to approach me entirely differently.  I’ll get to that after the break.

Older Dominants tend to just strike up a conversation to see how we vibe.  Their profiles are established.  They ma or may not have a blog off of Fetlife to go explore.  They may become flirty if it seems warranted but they don’t harass anyone into meeting prematurely or sharing too much information too soon.  It’s a well paced, and planned, courtship.  Of course you won’t have that skill set as your stepping into D/s but that’s what mentors and mentoring are for ultimately.  There’s no shame in getting/being mentored.  It’s one of the regrets I have for my own journey, that I wasn’t in an established community where I could have been mentored in service.  It’s why I take my time to get to know a Dominant partner.  Attraction is great but that doesn’t mean I’d be a good fit in service.

Okay on to today’s prompt: What is a successful relationship? What characteristics does a successful relationship have? Hmm to be brief I think a successful relationship is one that involves both partners being satisfied with their dynamic. They are able to negotiate what they need and renegotiate as needs change.  They communicate openly and honestly.  They check in with each other even if they ultimately choose a path that isn’t what the other partner suggested and there is room for that kind of decision making without their being extreme reactions or resentment.  Successful relationships learn how to grow together even if they grow separate interests.  They are supportive and openly loving/affectionate.  They are not perpetually happy and overjoyed but are more happy than they are not.  When they have growing pains they process them together and make plans for how to resolve them.

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