I don’t have to go into the office tomorrow after a long work week and I am so excited to be able to turn off my fucking alarm I cannot at all explain it to you. I’m going to post this and watch tennis or Hallmark or masturbate. Who cares? I can sleep in. So here’s today’s prompt: How do you see your submission maturing and changing in a year, five years, ten years?
So that was not what I was expecting. I’ve been deliberately not skipping ahead so that I am not processing things ahead of schedule. Part of why I am working on this year of self reflection is I want to be a better version of my submissive self. I have been realizing that I engage in no growth when I am single/unclaimed whatever you want to call it and that doesn’t help me or anyone that I might serve. I don’t know exactly where I’ll end up at the end of this process but I’m glad for questions like this because it gives me something to work towards or admit that I need to do better with. I’ll work through the prompt after the break.
A year from now I hope to be more grounded in my for lack of better term brand of submission. I am somewhat of a chameleon and can become whatever my Dom needs me to be. That’s good in some ways and bad in others. When they leave, or the relationship ends, I’m left with the remnants of their dominance in what is still embedded in me. I’ve learned good things from each Dominant partner but I feel a little shattered trying to figure out how much of that is me and how much of that is them and what do I do with the parts I can’t give back or the parts I need back from them that I can’t have. So a year from now I want to be able to say I gear more towards service, sexual, mental submission and the ways that I can show that to my partner is through a, b or c. I also want to be able to say clearly that I cannot submit in these ways or without this kind of commitment because I’ve been winging it up to this stage and that’s not healthy for me or productive in the long run. If I’m singing Sam Smith, I want it to be because I’m cleaning or cooking not because I feel it deep in my belly and it’s making me insane.
Five years from now I’d like to have taken the previous few years of growth and be in a committed and calm dynamic. I’ve been riding the highs of the chaos and that’s great for an intense flame out but it’s not sustainable. I understand what I respond to in a dynamic that makes me feel settled and yes I need someone that can engage me mentally and emotionally but I have to make better choices in terms of what leads my engagement. My clitoris is GREAT at finding me someone that will make me orgasm but it doesn’t seem to understand that those people aren’t always emotionally healthy, available or wanting anything more from us. So five years from now, partner or not but preferably partnered, I hope to be able to let my head leave, to be honest and direct with my partner when necessary and to let things slide when it’s not crucial to the dynamic. Not major things like refusing to end other relationships but the toilet seat is up again after the leave for work or they bring me a corny gift. I want to be the kind of submissive that is valued deeply by my partner and one who understands my ebbs and flows regarding how we engage in our dynamic.
A decade from now I have no idea. I would hope that I had learned more ways to serve my Dominant partner and to take care of myself in the process. I’d be enjoying a little more comfort in my skin and in my understanding of how I function in relation to my partner. I don’t want to describe us an old married couple as I have no desire to get married but a committed dynamic that could be about any number of new experiences or basking in the old experiences repeatedly. I’ll have to think about this and maybe revisit it if more pops into my head.