This week was fine in terms of what I needed to write about. Nothing overwhelmingly triggering except maybe discussing my one and only foray into polyamory crashing and burning. The prompts for this week are things I have already processed to some degree. Things with Emperor were never peaches and cream so it doesn’t hurt to recap it. Thinking about my journey to now, also not terribly surprising. So yeah this week was just good to keep the habit up because I can forget things easily when it is not showing me that things will be amazing. So why I’m sad right now I don’t really know. But I am sad. Everything after the break will be about that so you have been warned. You can just stop reading now.
So I cannot tell you at all why I am feeling this immense sense of loss but I am. I feel unsettled and uncomfortable and I know it will pass but right now I’m working really hard to not be upset enough to start crying. Just had to stop and breathe deep because I feel this ridiculous pain in my chest right now. I know it’s me being overly dramatic because nothing has changed between now and last night. At least not in my conscious mind. The universe could be in flux and things that will impact me are likely playing out but in my world in this moment, as far as I know, nothing has changed. Maybe all this introspection is making me grieve because I know what I want and need for a change and I can do almost nothing to get it without putting other people I love and things I care about in jeopardy. I know what triggered it but that’s a trigger every morning and I usually don’t crash into a puddle like this.
I was trying to find words to describe some of what I was feeling and this photo popped up. I almost posted it to Fet but it would have been misinterpreted and I didn’t want that. Or maybe it wouldn’t be misinterpreted and I didn’t want that but I didn’t want to share it there. It felt too raw to share it in that space. Or maybe I felt too raw to share it in that space. I understand that when I love, I love hard and without reason but really there’s no reason to feel anything that intensely right now. It doesn’t matter to the person I would want it to matter to so letting any emotional outburst spew from me is shortsighted at best. It’s emotional masochism at it’s finest really. I need to escape from here. I need a break from the pressure I feel settling in. And most of all I think I need to know that someone genuinely wants to be with me in all of my weirdness. I don’t have much faith in that being the case anytime soon so I’m back to feeling off kilter a bit.
I miss the little dumb things about being in a relationship right now. Allaying my fears about a million and one different things that don’t matter but can overwhelming a person that has a million and one things on their shoulders and no one to discuss it with. I miss giggling with girlfriends about how wonderful someone is and how much they make things right. Heck I miss having girlfriends I can talk about kink with without feeling awkward or worrying who I will hear it back from later. I just want some peace and love right now. Instead I have four projects occupying mental space and feeling like a failure because they haven’t been accomplished yet and what it means for me that I haven’t tackled everything under the sun with my usual skill set.