Working on me for a bit

I posted on fet yesterday that I regret not doing more to grow as a submissive over the last few years and you know me, well some of you do, I had to go do something about that.  I don’t know that the discussion prompts will get me there but it was a good use of 14 bucks so we’ll see what happens.  I may not write daily because I’m forgetful but I will write.  So here is day one’s prompt: What is one of your earliest memories when your submissiveness came to the surface?

So you think I would have forgotten this because I wasn’t really aware of what submission was or that it was something that Black women did but that is not the case.  My first fully fleshed out memory of my submissive tendencies coming out was when I was in high school.  I started dated a young man we will just call Barry for the sake of this blog.  Barry and I were every teenage girl’s fantasy made manifest.  He was cute, he was funny, everyone liked him and he loved me.  In that teenage way that you are aware you are loved, I knew I was loved.  His mother loved me and my parents begrudgingly accepted the young man that had stolen my heart.  He was intermittently the cutest thing ever and then slightly aggressive but mostly sexually.  It was never in a way that I felt coerced but that I felt like I’d be giving him a gift if we explored whatever it was.  Those requests started to elicit my let me serve you impulse.  He didn’t have the knowledge and I didn’t have the language to push it beyond the sexual arena.  He pushed my protector brain switch too.  Men that make me feel safe always make my girly bits take flight and my heart right along with it.  So because of him I tried lots of things I wouldn’t have and didn’t before.  We tried anal, threesomes, role play an a bit of polyamory.  That’s probably where we fell apart, well one of the reasons we fell apart.  What I hadn’t picked up on when we were together was he fed on my devotion to him and the subtle ways in which I need him.  Barry’s problem was he kinda like that vibe in his relationships and without me around he began seeing an ex again who ended up going AWOL trying to maintain their love.  I can roll my eyes and shake my head now but I was hurt at the time thinking all these boundaries we had crossed together only to see that it mattered more to me than him.  However, I can look back now and realize how much I miss serving and submitting to someone and what that lack of connection does to my mood when I explore it.  I forgave him years ago–told him as much on my thank you for teaching me about this aspect of love tour–but I think I need to forgive myself too for not knowing what was triggering me then and why I have pursued certain kinds of men since.  Ahh well, day one down.

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