maybe i’m drowning

i couldn’t articulate what i was thinking earlier today while waiting on a response from someone.  the truth of the matter is i feel like i’m drowning.  not literally of course because i can swim and without some assistance i’d probably make it to the shoreline or edge of the pool.  however, i’m drowning in the figurative sense and i cannot figure out how to stop it.  feeling anything again, as opposed to shutting everything down so i could just get through life, has been a hodgepodge of fuckery.  some days i’m high as a kite and wanting to be hurt and demeaned.  other days i’m insecure and needy and just really want to cuddle with the person that i know will soon want to hurt and demean me.  and there are other days i just feel so overwhelmed by whatever it is i’m thinking and feeling that i vacillate from being tearful to angry to convinced that whatever shot i had at being with someone is over and i’ll only find someone new if i accept whomever shows interest in me.

logically i know i’m probably just struggling with some anxiety and fear but emotionally it feels like i’m trying to break the surface of water and every time i get close either something yanks me back down or i just get too tired to keep fighting the tide.  on the few occasions i manage to break the surface i look around and there’s nothing solid even remotely close to me to hang onto so i look around in a panic and start to cry out.  no one answers of course and i just wait for the next wave to hit me.  

i imagine that if there was a partner in my world that was clear and direct about what they wanted, which also lined up with what i wanted, that i would just float when i broke the surface.  i’d let my body glide across the water until they claimed me again from the space i go to recover from the world at large.  and they play in my hair, tell me i’m a good girl, draw me close and we decide on what to eat or what move to watch or if we’re going to the gym or for a walk.  when we’re done doing vanilla couple things we go back home and defile each room in the house with ridiculous sexual escapades, drawn out scenes or early morning quickies before we head off to work.

i want what seems like something pretty basic so i never understand why things flame out in the moment.  in retrospect, it’s usually because things were a little off kilter before and eventually topple over.  i want the same person that makes my pussy throb and me drip when i think of them to be the person that takes my breath away as they make me orgasm and the person that watches the next episode of Loki with me and who disciplines me when i just can’t get it together.  maybe that’s too much or maybe i’m being silly thinking i’ll get that at my age.  i don’t know but i really do miss floating.

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