you’ve been getting lots of posts from me lately and this is for one reason. even though this page is open to literally everyone, this is still my safe haven. i don’t feel as exposed here. honestly no matter what google analytics says i’m pretty sure only a few of you pop over here and you don’t stay very long to explore. posting on fetish boards just draws in a lot of attention that i don’t always want as i’m processing my thoughts. i’ve been talking to Mr. Good Nyte and The Dutchman off and on for the last few weeks and each conversation throws my brain into different spaces. they aren’t doing anything deliberate–at least not Mr. Good Nyte–but you know my brain likes to overwork literally everything.
i may still be lusted after, i may even still be desired as more than an object they could abuse and torment, but there’s a switch in my brain waiting for something that hasn’t materialized. GN confirmed today a thought i was having which is good because that means my brain isn’t incapable of processing situations accurately when it wants to do so. what it cannot do is stop seeking confirmation until the confirmation is received. my wants and needs feel like they shift more than i want them to but they really keep coming down to a few things. consistency, clarity and control. i am tired. i don’t want to think about how to serve, how to intrigue, how to engage. i want to do whatever “he” wants me to do. not all willy nilly. i’m not entirely insane. but within a negotiated dynamic with room to push on some boundaries, i just want to serve. i have never been one to be about overt symbols but i’m starting to crave to be collared and leashed. i’ve pretty much shelved the idea of marrying anyone except maybe my Dom. maybe there’s something else i want too. security would be nice. i think that would come with the consistency but i’m not sure. it’s been forever since i haven’t felt like i’m one fuck up from being replaced or just left because my partner has other life responsibilities. i know, choose better partners and that may not be an issue but it’s not that simple by any stretch.
my kinks are intense. they demand a certain kind of energy to tame. men who don’t give off the right level of intelligence and dominance lose my attention so fast it’s out of control and i really can’t enjoy being with anyone that it seems like i could top. i mean it really doesn’t matter right now as i’m not looking and no one is looking for me. i’ve seen a few posts online lately that make me long for the comfort of being at someone’s feet, of knowing that i’ve made them happy, that my body may be bruised but that my spirit is soaring. i really do miss the energy exchange. the random tasks lists. the submission stolen from me by the person that sees where i can go within their grasp. i need to keep processing this without extra eyes. the silence here is good for me.