i like anonymity, clearly, and because of my race, occupation and family structure then without it i run the risk of losing everything i really care about. i’ve been reflecting a lot lately on what i lose maintaining that anonymity. parts of my body are shared with the universe but never my face. my partners never get to share photos of me on social media that display our dynamic accurately. i’ve only taken like serious photos with one and that was likely a decade ago. my ideal photo shoot will never take place more than likely. a cuffed, bound, leashed version of me will never be immortalized fully. my tear stained face has maybe only been captured once and that was because that partner was “greedy” and enjoying all the new ways he could torment me. i know what i have asked for and why i do it. i miss not being on display though. it’s a weird dichotomy in my brain. i want to be fully owned and claimed but i need to maintain my privacy before pervy colleagues try to exploit what they see as a vulnerability. life would be oodles simpler if i was just a straight girl who liked straight guys and wanted nothing more than to settle down, have babies, and live in a house we can sorta kinda barely afford. but that’s not where my brain rests and it causes havoc in the end.
i realized something else today when i saw a photo. one of my exes is the super perverted way more depraved version of a different ex. not sure why that popped in my head today. They don’t look alike. They have very little in common. but the photo made my brain go so yeah you’re a dumbass for missing this for such a long time. then my brain went so you know that means you just keep finding men who are not able to really be with you because you just ended up dating the more extreme version of that one. i don’t know if that’s entirely true but you know submissive brains can go zero to homeless (or dom-less in this case) in a nanosecond. and if you didn’t know that now you do. this is one of those moments i wish i was in a kinky hallmark movie. i could wake up and have a do over. i’m not sure who i would choose instead or if i would be allowed to choose at all. but i’m frustrated that even the digital game versions of me are being tied up and fucked well while i’m sorting through is there someone willing to give me what i want in a relationship at all. for real y’all, digital me is getting the business. ahh well it will be whatever it is in the end right.