this may be awkward: prompt 14

For those of you that don’t really like to hear about real life sexual interactions this would be the post to skip.  When I read the prompt, a few thoughts hit my brain.  The first is well yep gotta write about a former Dom not a current one.  The second was well which former Dom because while I’ve had a handful, I haven’t had sex with all of them.  The last thought was should I just write about the ones I did have sex with because they may have set the tone for how those dynamics played out.  I’ll see as I start writing where we ended up but here’s the prompt to get us all on the same page: What was your first sexual/play encounter with your current Dominant like for you?  If you don’t have a current Dominant, talk about your previous Dominant?

So I may end up making this longer than I thought because I forgot about the play portion of the journal when I started this post.  Some will be shorter than the others so just go with it.

First formal Dominant partner was Emperor.  He preferred being called Sir/Master and I obliged.  He was shorter than I expected he would be in person (we met in an unrelated forum to D/s) and I don’t think He was overwhelming impressed by me.  I walked into the hotel suite with him feeling like I had failed before we got started.  His inspection of me felt impersonal and disconnected from forming a bond.  I had told him that I had never been bruised by a partner ever because I was so dark and he set out to prove it could be done.  To his credit, he achieved that goal.  My ass was purple, my wrist felt borderline dislocated from the pain and my ankles hated life when I finally got settled at home again.  We only played together a few more times, we never had PIV intercourse but I did make him cum in all manner of ways.  Our dynamic was much the same later.  I gave, I broke, he enjoyed breaking me and we parted ways until he found a slimmer, more attractive new toy who turned out to be a liar mc liar face.

GN and I had sex with no plans for it to be anything other than that.  The dynamic grew out of that connection.  It was blissful and I felt like a perfect submissive goddess.  He was gentle with me even as he pushed all of my buttons and he continued to try to be a better Dominant partner to meet my needs.  In retrospect, I don’t feel like I gave him the same amount of effort he gave me because our relationship arose out of another one ending for both of us and he had much more to lose than I did.  I was madly in love with him though and think the same was true in reverse.  I still love him now just not in the same way because that would be frustrating for both of us.  This dynamic ending was the first that kind of gutted me for a while and I stepped away from D/s until I felt healed.

Mr. Wolf and I were just horny.  We had been at a play party with a mutual friend.  I think someone spanked me and yeah that’s just a horny inducing trap for me.  We had lots of sex for a few hours and he said something that threw me off and that was our entire dynamic moving forward.  He enjoyed my pain tolerance, my mind and my insatiable nature.  But he was never able to fully possess me mentally and that also created problems later.  I felt unstable with him a lot.  There was always the threat of him ending things with no warning, as well as him changing aspects to our dynamic randomly, and when we split it was at his request.  He needed things I couldn’t give him and vice versa.  Had I just went with my gut feeling from that first weekend we never would have been anything at all but maybe once in a while fuck buddies.

And finally there was The Dutchman.  He had been seducing me for a few years before we were able to meet in person.  I was a puddle of energy and longing when I finally made it to Amsterdam.  I’m pretty sure I threw a tantrum before he arrived because our first meeting was cancelled.  When he arrived though, my whole body stilled and I felt peacefully intrigued.  He told me to strip and get on my knees and I complied because in that moment literally nothing else made sense to do.  He overwhelmed me in all of the best ways and I was high.  He fucked me all over the hotel room until he unleashed his own orgasm and I smiled internally because I had given him everything I could in that encounter and he was happy.  We cuddled for a while before he had to depart and I floated into the city to explore.  He gifted me new experiences and a sense that I could be depraved and accepted.  It made me love him fiercely and open myself up to him in ways I had not done with anyone else previously.  I craved his attention and approval and pushed my boundaries and limits in pursuit of those things.  He appreciated it but ultimately it ended as well.  I can’t say the end was what made me move away from D/s for a time.  My life was hectic with demands and it was just safer to not pursue anyone or anything because I was sure they would not make me feel like the most realized version of my submissive self and I didn’t want to engage if that wasn’t going to happen.

I need to make sure that in the future I don’t try to force that first encounter to be something I think will last instead of just let it be what it is.  And in retrospect I can make connections that wouldn’t have even been possible at the time.  I hope that whomever is next can help me balance my periodically unhinged desire to be conquered along with my need to feel safe and my desire to keep growing.

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