Gonna be honest, this week feels different than the first. While the topics were exposing much more of my submissive life, writing about them didn’t feel as invasive as the first week. Not sure what was different except maybe these were more about sex and connection which I process constantly so they don’t feel as raw as some of the things from the first week. Even the post for today which is about the first sexual or play encounter with a current/former Dominant partner didn’t feel like I was ripping open a delicate wound. In some ways it brought back the rush of endorphins that were present when I first connected with a partner. In other cases, I’m so far removed from the pain or disappointment that occurred in those relationships that it didn’t throw me off my game. Plus, my kinky partners have been much more fulfilling sexually overall so there was little to regret or be ashamed of from our relationships.
There’s been a lot of stop and go over the last week. Rushing to decide and then pausing. Having to stand up for myself in some situations and backing down in others. And honestly a fair bit of retreating, however briefly, after learning new information that I needed to process and accept. And I am working into other new realities as well that are good for me lol. And it’s not the hey you aren’t in touch with reality kind of switching. But now it’s more of I can be happy with only looking forward. Trying to recapture things from the past is not healthy for me especially since my brain can go from zero to 100 in a blink of an eye based on limited data. I am forcing myself to stay grounded in the present and that is better than I imagined it would be. It’s hard don’t get me wrong. There’s a reason the past is comforting–you know what happened and you think you know what mistakes you made so you can fix them going forward. But honestly you just make new mistakes so there’s no reason to play the what if game. I can acknowledge that I still love people and recognize that they not only don’t reciprocate that emotion but are probably better off without my affection in their life.
Something else popped in my brain. I’ve always been a sucker for a man with an accent. I think it’s the military brat thing of being around people that knew and spoke different languages during my formative years. However, an accent with my Dominant partner short circuited my brain a bit. Emperor was Welsh. I need to make that distinction clear, he was not British even though for American ears it will sound British. It was almost flattering when he would turn on the sinister voice during a scene. Had we engaged on a more intimate plane it may have turned into whatever the Dutchman’s voice did to me. I can only shake my head about that experience right now because I cannot completely describe it if you have never experienced anything like it.
I reread a now seven year old story that was inspired by one of my last dynamics and I was so glad that nothing in that story had become reality at this stage. I’m okay being cum drunk in my Dominant’s presence but them being able to do what happened in that story would make me lust eternally for them but also pissed as hell that I gave them tools to torment me. Ahh well, nothing else to say right now. If anything else pops in my head I’ll update the post.
UPDATE: So yeah I should have expected this but I did not. I have been working to control the chaos of emotions and move along the path to healing myself in all the ways I need to be healed. What triggered me was super not anyone that has been intriguing to me. I was trying to relax, do some deep breathing and meditation to take another step along the self-care process. Had just turned on the candle warmer and my phone rang. Instead of handling the entire lack of trick or treaters alone, my mother needed nee demanded company to sit up front, dump candy in a bowl and sit. And internally I will say that I lost it. I wanted to scream. I wanted to cry. I wanted to get tied up and sleep in rope for maybe an hour or two. What I did not want was to be a responsible adult human who takes care of her family instead of enjoying the fact that I’m single and have very few ties that mean I have to be home on any particular day but especially ones where we get to dress up and live out our alter egos. This just triggered that spark in my core that wants to be owned and taken care of again. I was just thinking of all the things I wanted and it just made me think of a song by Sam Smith. It’s linked below and I am going to have a drink while I wait on the delivery order.