I turned off my alarm because this morning I had no meetings and no place to be before 10. I checked my messages, ignored email, scanned fet, did my morning routine and nodded off again until I really had to be awake. I was looking forward to hearing from someone and as of yet that has not occurred. For a moment, that sent my brain into a funky place. Submissive brain is a weird push pull of anxiety, fear, love, lust and stupid. My submissive brain is probably all of that plus an off switch. It takes nearly everything in me to flip the switch off but after the initial tidal wave got going I had no choice. Just so no one thinks I’m speaking for them, when EYE am intrigued by someone the main thing I need from them is regular communication. It can be about literally anything but I need it. If I don’t get it, or at least if it’s not consistent, then my brain starts to wonder if I was misreading signals. Were they just being friendly? Was I not clear enough in my interest? Did I say something that turned them off? It can overwhelm everything else I need to be thinking about until something else pushes them down and I get distracted. But the moment there’s a bit of downtime, it will come back and come back hard. Today as I slid into my next duty the downtime crashed with my other irritation which isn’t great but at the end of it I was relieved.
I knew I had to be a taxi today because mom can’t drive. I thought we needed to be there earlier than we did but hey whatever that’s not a huge deal. Her appointments tire me out because she legit forgets things and then gets upset when I fill in. Traffic was a mess leaving so we went the back way and then shit went sideways. She’s not really enjoying being out of the house due to COVID but she also forgets 90 things before I go to pick up the groceries which necessitates a trip inside the store. For a visual, shopping with my mother is like letting a petulant 13 year old into a shopping area with just enough money to be dangerous but not enough sense to be efficient. Many just want it purchases, almost no actually need it right now purchase and is then frustrated with me because I just wanna go back to bed. Everything’s tucked away and then she realizes she’s put something she needs in a box but isn’t sure where the box is so won’t I go grab it from the store for her. No I will not, here’s some extra leave me alone please and thank you.
After I ate, I felt better which is a good thing I know. But the other thing happened, my subbie brain finally said girl I’m tired. And honestly so was the rest of me. It’s pointless to wonder if you’re enough for anyone. They are either going to make it plain and you will get what you need from that moment. Or they are going to do something else. You, or in this case I, can’t cajole them into behaving differently. In relationships, we all function differently. I’m sure I can seem needy and clingy to potential partners but there’s a reason for that. It takes me what feels like lifetimes to click with people and even longer to trust them with my submission. Once I’m in, I’m all in and will let you do nearly anything to me. I will let you push on boundaries and reshape me a bit. I will explore the darkest parts of both of us because I’m fascinated by what may arise. I mean within reason, I’m not insane but I can feel that way when my submissive brain has engaged and is left alone wondering what I’m supposed to do next. And I was feeling that off and on all day until both I and my brain came to an agreement. It’s not worth it this time. I have to enjoy my day to day without anyone in it stroking my hind brain into action. And I have to breathe through my own disappointment without being tugged under a riptide. So now I’m plotting dinner and am glad that I haven’t been stress eating. Tomorrow may be awash with crazy town but right now I’m gonna chill and enjoy homemade chimichurri.