Falling Back Into Myself


I’ve been posting a lot lately which I admit is weird after years of being inconsistent at best.  I’ve been processing things more and instead of mulling them over in my head and driving myself crazy, I update the blog.  Today after I sorted through more adulting I actually did what I planned to do so that I can take better care of myself.  I got up and ran to the gym.  I just did weights today but I felt tension leave my body over the course of the hour or so I was there which is lovely.  I ran into the store to see if they still had my favorite workout pants.  They did not but I grabbed a pair I hope will work.  I almost ran into another store before I looked at the parking lot and said not today Satan.  I had lunch and got started on elements for dinner.  I know it sounds like super basic things and it is.  But when I’m actually attentive to my needs I do these things.  And the more of them I did the more a different facet of my personality got to reemerge.  I haven’t had a chance to explore this part as of late because I need to be feeling settled in my submissive personality before I can fully embrace my service side of things.  Even though this is service to myself, I miss Kinky Klaire as I used to call her.  That’s the part of me that loves vintage aprons, pinup looks and homemade everything when it comes to food.  This part of me is usually healthier too.  

I find it a little weird that I felt very in sync with that part of me and then I thought about it. I have been having some very intense interpersonal debates about submission, what I want from it, who I want to be with next, and how I plan on achieving any of that.  The truth of the matter is I don’t know the who or what yet.  My hind brain resonates with certain personality types but my semi adult self knows that regardless of when or how that happens I have to love on myself again.  So I’m going to be doing more of that and if it means Kinky Klaire makes a reemergence so be it.  I need to perpetually love on me and that way whomever shows up will get the best of me not just the messed up pieces trying to hold it all together.

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