i choose me and i know that makes me selfish love

rocking out peacefully to some Sam Smith right now.  lots of information has been coming in at me this week when it comes to my relationship patterns and partners.  it’s caused some tears, some aggravation, some anger and some catharsis.  i made bad decisions and i need to own some of that.  not in loving my former partners.  there were, and are, very lovable things about each of them.  i just didn’t put myself first when as soon as i should.  i waited for them to love me the way i was loving them and that was a mistake.  had either of us put some of those things on pause better things may have happened.  i don’t know because i never forced the issue.  i gave ultimatums that i walked back from.  set timelines that i never enforced.  and i kept hoping.  i’m realizing now that’s why i folded in on myself when those relationships finally ended.  i had giving all i had to these moments and it wasn’t enough.  that’s debilitating mentally and emotionally.  this week brought all that back and in a way i wasn’t expecting.  i couldn’t have loved them through that.  they needed something other than me: time, space, therapy, whatever it is that wasn’t me.  logically i understand that and emotionally i am making peace with that because feeling like you failed at loving the person you loved most in the world is a rough pill to swallow.  i wish, in retrospect, that they maybe put themselves first too.  i’m about as secretive as a three year old sneaking cookies.  everything i want is pretty out there in front.  they wouldn’t have lost me had they taking time to get healthy and ready.  maybe i wouldn’t have met one of the later ones, who knows, but we can’t know now because the truth was sad and painful.  but i can burn some sage, have a drink, dry my eyes, and enjoy my music for now.  we’ll all going to be okay if we aren’t okay right now.  maybe this is the life lesson i was blessed to learn this particular incarnation of my restless spirit.  love hard but be smart.

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