can one have a kink muse or am i just an addict?


i have been pondering this for the last few days/weeks what have you.  i know that karamel on fet provided all kinds of musings for me at one point but it wasn’t in a “submissive, let me splay myself out for you can give over dominion of myself to you” kind of way.  the man is gorgeous. i could and did fantasize about being tied up with his hair which was luscious when it was loose but makes me thirsty now that it’s loc’d. and he was intelligent so yeah the lust factor was like on 12.  but it wasn’t like a legit hookup was possible and he was lifestyle adjacent not looking for a dominant role in anyone’s life from fet.  

Emperor, Roaming Soldier, Good Nyte and Mr. Wolf all stoked submissive tendencies in me of one sort or the other but it wasn’t always without hangups, blocks, and irritants.  and then there was the Dutchman. and something wholly different happened with him. not just because he was far away, been there done that. not just because he had an accent, been there really like doing that. and not just because he made my kinky little brain seem normal, hadn’t happened often but shout out to the ones that got me there prior. meeting him was like being red pilled in the Matrix.  whole portions of my submissive brain lit up and fired when he shared what he thought i could do or what he wanted to do to me.  that high didn’t make it to paper often because it was so outlandish i couldn’t process it with anyone but him. it made me horny perpetually and i can say that i fucked myself with things that were neither standard, expected, or average more often than i could say.  and i loved literally every bit of it.  

so when we fell off so did my libido. it was like detoxing from a drug. nothing was ever on the same wavelength again. the support from others was great. my remaining partner tried but as they were never able to get me to the same place when i wasn’t already four orgasms deep then it was a weak trigger for my brain. definitely no red pill even though it wasn’t quite a blue pill.  regardless, none of it was substantial enough to satisfy me and short of a moment or two when i was enjoying myself on a given day or needed substantial stress relief then it was just a reset. there was no joy in mudville lol. 

so now that we are chatting it up again and i’m getting the resolution that i didn’t get before, the insert random things into my vagina phase has returned. considering most of my orgasms over the last year plus have not involved penetration on any level, let’s just say that my girl bits were overwhelmed lol. i came hard repeatedly though. i should have started with the hard thick object first and not the slightly rounder but more pliable object.  it stretched everything and my muscles clamped down so hard on it that it feels a little beat up. that plus the magic wand made me take a nap for a bit. which was also a mistake for the long firmer object as it was only able to penetrate a bit with my shoving lol. i haven’t pushed past resistance in a while so i ramped up the speed and then had to make myself stop post orgasm so i didn’t wake anyone up. post shower, everything still feels full and i’m happy. haven’t spoken to the Dutchman much this weekend but i think he just needed to unlock that part of my brain again and it’s flowing freely without him. maybe he is just a trigger and not the addiction. either way, i think i have a new nighttime routine or daytime routine or damn folks annoy me routine.

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