Lessons in the Early Phase of the Lockdown

So i am not above saying i learn things in random places.  i was watching Marriage Boot Camp Hip Hop Edition randomly tonight and it was a very protracted moment of watching our childhood and past pivotal moments shape our future/present.  They focused in specifically on what the messaging or chaos around us during that time frame keep being embedded in how we move forward.  To be clear the kids versions of themselves had some fucked up things happen and i can see how it plays into who they are now.  as i cried with and for them i was wondering if my messaging was still problematic.  Yep totally is but it’s a messy thing to break down.  i wasn’t homeless or abused.  my parents marriage was weird.  i didn’t know why but i knew something was off.  i may have mentioned it here before.  They loved on us, my brother and i, but not really with each other save after a fight.   They rarely fought though.  They just kind of coexisted.  Looking back now i know that my dad was cheating and even though mom couldn’t prove it for a long minute she was unhappy.  However, feeling like your husband might be cheating wasn’t a good enough reason to leave him per my grandmother so my mom stayed.  Eventually they separated cause dad was really really cheating and my mom took it as a failure on her part even though she had long wanted out.  This is where my kid self needed an intervention.  What i learned from both of my parents was equally problematic from a long-term relationship perspective. 

Mom was rightfully bitter but started telling me at 9 that i should never get married and if i did get married to keep everything in my name.  She sounded crazy but that translates to you cannot trust men period so don’t get too attached because they will fuck you over.  And dad inadvertently showed me that attraction and love may not be found in the same person.  my dad was a bit of hoe lol and he had a lot of lady friends.  However, when he was in a committed relationship he seemed distant and not really able to connect to his partner.  He did the stuff you should do for your partner but he wasn’t all in with the love and affection.  Now their messages were products of their families as well and i do not have the energy to rehash all of that.  Regardless, if i shouldn’t trust you and if loving you means i won’t have a whole relationship then why would i want either of those things.  then i have loved deeply have almost never been emotionally available to me and then men available to me can’t fire up the lust in my brain consistently.  i get those things logically but i still haven’t been able to fix them.  i’m not sure that i am waiting on anything in particular to change it but i’m trying to be more mindful of the hard wiring inside me.  i’d like someone that fits into my world but it’s been a minute since i got close to that and i don’t know that i will again.ahh well my point in all of this is every now and then we need a reminder that there is always work to be done and that i’m not done growing unless i choose to be–right now i haven’t made that choice.  Now i won’t be dating anyone for a minute cause pandemic lockdown and all of that jazz.  But i’m thinking.

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