the sub who thought too much

I should totally be asleep but that is clearly not my lot in life right now.  Work through life off for me and probably everyone else a few months ago.  That was good.  It didn’t give me time to think about my love life or submission or anything that basic.  I had to worry about taking care of mom and keeping us healthy and figuring out how to do my job from my living room table instead of my quiet office.  That is coming to an end–that you all deities that heard my prayers–for the most part on Tuesday.  That doesn’t mean there aren’t other things on tap but nothing that requires that much of my mental energy so I’m back to my insomnia fits and pondering life again.  That brings us to now and I don’t know how long this is going to be so if you read after the break it is all on you.

The world has been on fire literally and figuratively for at least six months.  That is spilling over and out in environments I hadn’t seen previously like FetLife. Fet is interesting with its we’re all welcome here kink and covert with a dash of overt racism in groups and people seeking partners.  Before I continue, there are some cool White folks on Fet like other places but the ones I’m seeing right now fall into the yes but crew or the not all white people or all lives matter contingent.  They are fucking exhausting.  I’ve also seen more active Black folks on Fet recently as well which has been intriguing.  Nope we don’t all agree but just to see the numbers is cool.  I will say I feel disconnected from lots of them because of their ages mostly.  Looking back on it now I’ve been firmly in the lifestyle since some of them were infants.  The access they have to things is great but not my experience and finding a suitable partner now is different because I want them to be my age but also have sufficient experience to work with me as we grow and evolve together.  I have not really been a good support to a Dominant in training so I need someone who gets me.  Having said that, the last few years have not exactly clarified what kind of Dominant I need.

I like men who exude a certain kind of energy which I have seen in my more successful relationships but those men had nothing in common but me.  I would say they made me feel safe and secure initially which is what I need to relax into my submission.  And I will say I miss that.  The last few years have been hectic with the job drama, mom’s health and just not feeling secure in my relationships.  Stack on the pandemic, working from home, and becoming a go to resource for my job and I could really use a good spanking, or choking, or someone to stroke my hair, or to be tied up, or fucked into oblivion.  Any or all of those would be good but given that we cannot travel, mom lives with me 24/7 and the walls are thin none of those can happen here.  Can’t visit any of my exes because there are too many people flying right now for that shit to be safe and the EU won’t let us in because dumb president.  That’s a good thing technically.  Slipping and falling on your ex’s dick is great for a work out but just confusing because there’s a reason you broke up.  I do miss Amsterdam though regardless of ex.

And then there’s the last thing I’ve been revisiting.  On Fet I identify as a babygirl.  That was really more appropriate a few relationships ago and with one person in particular.  I like the Daddy Dom/babygirl dynamic but most men I meet can’t fit that role well.  I should probably just call myself a submissive for now and see what comes next.  Okay enough rambling.

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