So on my commute to work and back the last few days a song I was obsessed with months ago keeps playing and it seems fitting given my current mental and emotional state. Shortly after that song plays a new song that I’m slightly obsessed with also plays. It’s an interesting juxtaposition of mood but both are accurate. I tend to be a glutton for punishment in relationships mostly because I don’t take my own advice. I know that love has never been enough to sustain any kind of relationship but until that emotion is totally and completely out of my system towards someone I can’t walk away. I still love both of my partners more than I don’t. I’m just exhausted right now. Thus nothing feels good or intriguing or even interesting if I’m honest. And right now I’m slightly fixated on noticing how much heavier one of my boobs is than the other. Like it’s bugging the shit out of me right now. Not enough that I’d likely do anything about it but if the yet to be scheduled mammogram means I have to do some sort of intervention then I will likely have it addressed. Apparently lots of women have the same issue but until it’s really noticeable the doctors say chill.
Anyhoo here are the songs in case you were wondering. I kinda love Ryan from OneRepublic. Songs catch my attention with either good music, good lyrics or a combination of both. Mr. Tedder tends to blend both well even if I don’t dig everything the group puts out. The stuff that resonates though hits me dead center though. In Rihanna’s case I’ll be honest I’ve been pleasantly surprised by her growth. Her stuff is usually catchy but disposable for me. When I heard her and Mikky Echo on Stay though I figured maybe I’d shortchanged her. Needed Me makes me giggle and relate and then she kicked in the door to my psyche with Love on the Brain.
The pertinent lyrics from this song are below:
Some people lie but they’re looking for magic
Others are quietly going insane
I feel alive when I’m close to the madness
No easy love could ever make me feel the same
The pertinent lyrics from this song are below:
You love when I fall apart (fall apart)
So you can put me together
And throw me against the wall
Oh, and baby I’m fist fighting with fire
Just to get close to you
Can we burn something babe?
And I run for miles just to get a taste
Must be love on the brain
That’s got me feeling this way (feeling this way)
It beats me black and blue but it fucks me so good
And I can’t get enough
Must be love on the brain yeah
I have always struggled with being in relationships. It’s not I like dysfunction or deceit cause that shit is super not cool long-term but the idea of being a housewife (outside of a seriously kinky Stepford Wife) or settled into something that just made sense and thus was good for me has never really appealed to me. I could blame my parents but that would be a cop out. At some point they loved each other deeply enough to marry and have kids. At some point later they stopped feeling that way and really nothing much to about it but move on and be happy with other people. I think they both achieved that on some level even though their other long-term relationships eventually ended as well. That didn’t make me more or less jaded just was an isolated example of what could happen. I’ve seen just as many couples who have been together forever and are happy until one of them dies. Maybe I don’t trust safe because safe is just uninformed to me lol. Like there’s always bullshit in the background because as humans when we love someone we give up other things because they are enough of what we want to sacrifice what they are not. Except most of us can’t really do that forever. We aren’t wired to be that selfless. So partners explore whatever options are available to them and hope to not fuck up things too badly at home in the process and every blue moon blow up their lives because they meet someone that is everything their partner isn’t and they are willing to fist fight with fire.
Both of these songs encapsulate random pieces of my brain rehashing things. I feel wired when shit is frenetic and I can get high on it. And I will stay with someone that on so many possible levels isn’t the right one but who has seeped into my pores makes me stick around longer than I probably should. As I have gotten older I have done a better job of sorting out what things are generating what emotion but of course I’m not perfect and then I second guess what I’m doing and why.
On a totally positive note I figured out how to get my signature image the right size. Yeah me lol. I’m going to finish my dinner now and continue to mentally pack for my vacation. I took way too much shit last time but it’s going to be colder so no sandals and shorts this trip.