So last night I planned on going to bed earlyish for me but when I logged off I couldn’t sleep. My mind started churning about 50 million things as it is want to do in the middle of the night. But this was all propelled by what I was doing right before I logged off. I was tired but not sleepy so I tried to do what normally works, masturbate and pass out after a nice hard orgasm. Yeah that didn’t work really. Primarily because I’ve been horny as hell the last few days which isn’t totally abnormal for me but as a result I’ve been getting off a lot the last few days. Off tangent: my new toy is flipping amazing and has been part of the impetus of all these orgasms. Anyway, as the orgasm sleeping pill didn’t work I started pondering the woman I had been watching on screen as I joined her in orgasm–Sinnamon Love. Now for those of you that don’t watch much porn (ROFLMAO no idea how you got here but still) she was a prolific Black porn star for quite a while. Definitely during the time frame I was consuming most of my porn. She wasn’t my first female porn star crush, that was most definitely Dominique Simone, but she was one of my longest because she didn’t seem to be anything but natural and enjoying her scenes. Not to mention she was also one of the first women I saw doing fetish work of any kind that made something stir in me so yeah she definitely left an imprint. I’m not sure if you have tried to watch much of the new porn that is being made but it’s like new rap/hip hop music to me. Yes it resembles things that I like but the players are all wrong and it doesn’t do a damn thing for me 99 percent of the time. I’m sure you’re wondering what I was pondering at 2 in the morning but it was really how while she’s shifted out of performing and into a different reality she seems just as genuine but most of all happy in her skin. She’s a writer, blogger, sex educator, wife, mother and grandmother—her grandson is adorable. I was think of her from when I saw her first to now and how much has changed for her and myself.
I won’t pretend to know her life but it impressed upon me something that I have been debating in my own life. When you put yourself out there then no one can destroy your life for you. She had been in a career where we all saw her naked and appreciated her energy and sexuality—as well as some potentially condemning her to hell for it—repeatedly for years. She discussed being a submissive to her partner and dominating others. She’s been open about her life in ways that I have yet to do with the world. I know I’ve said it before that it’s related to my job and profession being super conservative. It’s also partially related to the fact that I continue to find work in small conservative towns in small conservative states. But it’s mostly tied up with wanting to be accepted and understood and knowing that those who aren’t in the know mostly wouldn’t do either of those things. I doubt my brother would care but his wife is odd and that could impact my relationship with him. My mother didn’t know you could spike a watermelon so being tied up and bound for fun is probably out of her wheelhouse. My dad probably wouldn’t have cared but he’s not here. The only people currently in my life that know are a few of my male friends and other people in the lifestyle. The rest know about my former hoe glory days–okay may not former but they don’t know what I do now–and while never judgmental with me overtly I know most of them wouldn’t have gone there even if they had been afforded the same opportunities to overindulge in pretty male flesh.
So what is the cost of acceptance and can I afford to pay it? I keep struggling with that. Is it worth my job and the few friends I allow into my circle? Financially I’ve done nothing that would make me secure enough to live more than a few months if I was fired because I was outed. I have to support someone other than me so I have to be more cautious in that respect. I don’t see my friends constantly but I appreciate their love and support more than I state here. This is the only area of my life that I don’t do my normal thing. I’m an advocate and supporter of the underserved and underrepresented. I am all about empowerment and being the face/mentor/model what have you that someone needs so that they can also take their place at the table. But when it comes to this I am not now in a place that I can risk it and am not sure that I ever will be and that makes me sad. I get there are trade offs and costs associated with any and every part of our lives. But in all the other ways I can be empowered in other avenues in my life my sexuality and relationship choices are judged, evaluated and typically means I will be ostracized if I am fully authentic. I know I’m not the only one that has this struggle but clearly it’s been dancing around in my head for a while because it kept me up last night.
What are your costs for being yourself? Can you afford to cover them?
1 thought on “At what cost?”
Once upon a time I lived in th closet. I hid both my sexuality and kink from everyone, hiding it so well at times I was unable to locate either. When I came out (about being bisexual) to my friends they shrugged it off. They didn't care about my attraction to women. We still did all the stuff we used to do. I was fortunate to have people open minded enough to not allow my differences to create distance.
Coming out as bisexual made the kink part simpler. In the eyes of my straight and vanilla friends it was all gumbo in the same pot, and they liked gumbo.
For years I've managed my own story. I tell my tales first, I tell the good and the bad. I live a life that is visible for those who care to look only changing the names of the other participants because they didn't sign up for Front Street as I did.
I thought that public disclosure was all the shield I needed. How on earth do you "out" someone who lives in a glass house with no doors and lots of spotlights?
Sadly it took a few words from a scorned lover to show me, not matter how transparent my disclosures, there was always something to lose. In hindsight I wouldn't change much, but also with hindsight I understand my critical thinking needed a lot more critical. I don't know what your eventual answer will be, but I do know you will give it enough consideration that it is the right answer – for you.
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