TTF part 5: a red velvet primer

I have been contemplating this post for a few days.  Things have taken a turn this weekend that made it more prevalent to put fingers to keyboard and try to express my thoughts.  I have stated before that I have not done poly prior to now.  I have said repeatedly it’s because I have a bit of jealously when it comes to sharing my partner and that may partially be true but there’s something else in there too.  Dealing with women on an interpersonal level can be tiring.  Someone on Fetlife shared a post the other day and that helped form my thoughts in one way.  You definitely have to be wanting to be involved with whomever your Dominant brings into your dynamic otherwise eventually your insecurities and frustrations and general ambivalence to her presence will overrule your desire to serve.  Even when I’ve imagined having more than one Dom I wouldn’t have called it poly in the traditional sense (that’s an oxymoron of epic proportions I know, traditional poly ha).  You could call one more of a play partner if you wanted but I envision them as independent relationships with different parameters and needs being met.  So admitting that to myself I think it would be even harder for me to do a long term poly relationship.

I have very few close female friends.  Mostly because I can’t deal with the random mood swings and the inability to just be direct with me whatever is going on in your life at the moment.  Most of my friends I’ve had since the mid 90s.  I added a few more in the early 2000s due to grad school and sorority stuff.  And generally speaking that’s my circle.  It’s hard to get in and I very rarely excommunicate anyone.  There’s no need.  If we grow apart you’ll become a situational friend and that’s okay with me too.  Every friend can’t help me reenact the final scene from The Color Purple.  Some are JUST good for a random connection about movies or music or stalking Prince.  In short, I’d rather let you drift into a secondary role instead of their being drama about anything–drama that I’m sure that would eventually seep into a poly relationship because we all do things differently.  And those differences is what can make or break all sorts of relationships.

I’ve been on a drama free diet for the better part of the last decade and a half.  I am who I am and I rarely deviate from that person.  I am honest and blunt to a fault sometimes but that also means I don’t often use more words than I need to say anything to anyone.  While there are moments when I am more than a little bit talkative, it really depends on the day, my mood and the universe at the moment.  I can use that blunt force to help or hurt depending on where you are in my life.  Those closest to me are very rarely victim of the hurting but when I do hurt them I apologize and try to make amends.  I will assume unless something else comes up that we are moving forward.  If I’m wrong don’t wait to tell me that.  It just creates frustration and doubt that will continue to linger well past the incident. This comes back to the poly household stuff though.  Women hold on to things in ways men never could and would.  While it made my head hurt at the time, I respect men and the way they mostly tend to process disagreements.  An argument, potentially a physical altercation later and they are done.  That’s it.  Either they are friends afterwards or they make peace with moving on.  You can’t have any connection to another person if you aren’t clear and honest about what it is you want and what it is you are expecting from them.

I’ve said all that to say that I figured out and had it reinforced as I’m making observations as of late that my way is not your way and I am okay with that.  Despite the nature of this blog and my stories and what I choose to share publicly a very large chunk of my life is still private.  Who I’m with and what we discuss only makes its way here or to friends ears when it makes sense, if it makes sense.  Even then though I’m moving at my own speed and I’m weirdly honest with all players.  Mr. Wolf and Dutch know about each other.  If I go see Dutch ever Mr. Wolf may be in tow for protection and because my brain may be blitzed in the best way possible.  Ok that’s a total daydream scenario but at my age and with all that has transpired over the last few years I’m ok taking my time and not committing quickly to any possibility just because I can.  I want the dynamic but what I really want is a relationship that includes the dynamic.  I want the person that hurts me to be able to put those pieces back together in normal daily interaction because I am His and because He wants to be the man in my life outside of my bedroom. 

This year has been about self discovery on so many levels.  Swimming, losing weight, stepping headlong into a new career, and being open to the possibility of being owned again.  It could have been overwhelming but slowing things down and learning about myself and everything involved has made it so enjoyable even during the moments of frustration.  It’s not perfect but it’s really good right now as I mentioned yesterday.  Even during the moments of doubt are par for the course.  Girl brain in overdrive.  Life is a series of challenges and experiences and I am by no means an expert but this year tells me there’s so much promise for the years to come.