The Last Unicorn

I remember this movie being horribly depressing as a child.  Not because it had to be but because who wants to the be last of anything.  That would suck.  Turns out (spoiler alert if you haven’t seen the movie) there were others or she could make others anyway it turns out all happy in the end.  I thought that was a rip off as a child too though.  I was a weird kid.  Ok I had to check the ending.  Turns out a crazy bull had run all the other unicorns into the ocean and once lead unicorn ran crazy bull into said waters all the others returned.  Still rip off.

Now there are multiple definitions of unicorn within BDSM, one I just learned about a few weeks ago–a single friendly bisexual submissive/switch for a couple to play with at their leisure–and outside of it.  Most of the time I’ve heard it it is pertaining to some sought after partner that has many desirable attributes but people question said person’s existence.  When said person is found they boggle potential partner’s minds and thus the unicorn mystique is applied to that individual.  Now when I originally envisioned this post I was pissed.  I was tired of the label if it wasn’t really given me what I wanted.  I’m still tired of the label but I’m not pissed now.

I’m not even confused right now.  I haven’t committed to anyone because I’m not sure I can.  My track record doesn’t bode well for long term commitments.  Something keeps happening that derails them be they family stuff, military deployments or emotional distance.  Yes deep in my submissive spirit I desire to be owned and claimed and serve happily and openly with someone I see on a regular basis.  I got very lucky with Good Nhyte in that he was close enough to make that move without it being a major issue.  I’m not foreseeing that as a possibility right now with anyone in my current orbit.  Plus there’s a crazy old woman living here that would make getting spanked choked and fucked well problematic.  I need a much bigger house with better insulation for another live in partner.

I’ve said before a Dom Collective would be ideal but that’s really just me being selfish.  There are things that are good about the folks in my sphere now but of course none of them are perfect, no one is including me, so there are pieces I want that the one has and the other does not.  None of them completely feeds me whatever it is that unicorns love to snack on.  But then again who would know what to feed a mythical creature?  I could be wrong here but I think unicorns may not be a good thing for most people to find.  In my experience, people want to protect me, develop stronger reactions to me faster than I can return, and get inspired to hurt me cause that’s what I say I want–it is but sometimes I feel like I’m pushing people into a realm they aren’t really naturally inclined to go.  But that second piece is equally important.  I think I’m fundamentally flawed in my ability to love and show affection.  I either love recklessly with my whole heart or I’m distant and detached.  It could be fear, it could be lack of passion, it could be me trying to desperately keep my composure.  Either way I’m never in the same place as my finder is at the beginning or end of a relationship.  There could be a lucky few moments in the middle that we sync up but yeah days like today I’m feeling a little broken in that aspect.

So maybe I am a unicorn but it’s a broken one.  Or one that hasn’t assembled correctly or is missing some pieces.  Maybe I’m a Toy Story 3 unicorn that got manhandled at the day care center.  I can’t say it’s unresolved Daddy issues because I loved my dad and he was the first person that told me I could do anything I wanted to do as long as I tried and that I didn’t need to depend on the love of my life to rescue me in order to be happy.  I mean that inadvertently could be causing problems now because it takes a lot for me to believe I need someone and even more to actually say as much.  It’s not that I don’t want someone in my life because I definitely do but I don’t know if I can live up to whatever it is they see in me and I’ll admit that is a bit scary from time to time.  I want to continue to grow and improve and be as shiny as that term implies.  I just don’t know how or if I really can.

So nope I’m not a pissed off unicorn tonight.  Just a little confused.

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