TTF part 4: a red velvet primer

So we have journeyed around a variety of things about me and thankfully no one has asked me anything that I haven’t been able to answer.  I’m not sure what this post will turn into but what it was sparked by was the concept of wanting and its juxtaposition against a need.  I want a lot of things, which I will enumerate shortly, but I need very little.  And I can say that because in this context I consider need very literally: I need air, I need food, I need sleep (don’t get nearly enough of that), I need money to pay bills.  Needs are necessities to my mind and without them you cannot function.  Now emotionally I am CAPABLE of being so connected to someone that it FEELS as if I won’t function without them but rationally I am still breathing so I’ve continued to prove that idea to be invalid for me. 

Why does that matter?  Well it has come up in my relationships that I don’t NEED my partners and for some of them that has made them question our relationship.  It was another one of those ways that I was an atypical girl person and it bit me in the ass.  I didn’t need my HS ex after I moved away to college.  He didn’t say it outright but the women he sought out while I was gone, we had an open relationship to some degree, were of the needy type.  He could come in and be a hero, savior, fixer, whatever they needed that I decidedly did not need from him.  It was both frustrating and funny at the time.  These were not women he would have sought out had there not been the foil of me in his life.  They were women who he routinely ridiculed, women like them more than the women themselves, because of their failure to be independent.  But because of the lack of that need emanating from me he chased them down all the same.

He wasn’t the only man in my life to mention that lack of need which I don’t think I really took a hard look at until this weekend.  I lust, I want, I desire but rarely do I need.  Even as sit here now and think about my pursuit of a new D/s relationship I have said that I need the right Dom to guide me.  In practical terms I won’t fall apart without that coming into place but I can also say that I want it passionately.  I would greatly like to see what my submission could be molded into with the right person taking the helm.  I want to be able to surrender to my most depraved imaginings and see what comes to pass when and if I make it back out.  I crave it enough that it feels like a need but I am painfully aware that it will take all of my inhibitions being overwhelmed in order for me to to even consider it.

There are a million wants and still not much more than I started with in terms of needs.  As promised here are a list wants but things that aren’t quite needs.

1. I would like to be owned again
2. I would like to be used and left a sniveling mess
3. I would like to be more active in the scene
4. I would like to play around in some of my more intense fantasies
5. I would like to vacation more
6. I would like to stamp my passport
7. I would like to have an orgasm at will just because it will help me relax and get on with my day
8. I would like to be the epitome of someone’s submissive desires come to life
9. I would like to sit with Prince and talk about anything
10. I would like to eat pasta constantly and still lose weight
11. I would like to make my hair behave
12. I would like to not become horny during a good rain storm, that shit is annoying sometimes
13. I would like to fall in love again
14. I would like to find an equal partner
15. I would like to just find peace