my mind hasn’t been quiet or still in days. i think that’s just a by-product of being me. i’m constantly thinking about something and someone along the course of my day. is this person okay? can i afford to miss this appointment? will the world stop spinning if i just stop and lay down for a while? yes, i know i think a LOT of myself if i think my inaction will make the world stop spinning but it feels that way sometimes. this week i had a bunch of goals for myself that quickly got derailed both by poor planning and and failure to recognize the dates well. i always get moody and develop an extreme lack motivation in may and it always takes me about two weeks to catch on to why that as. you’d figure i’m a bright girl and i’d know what was going on but alas that wasn’t the case this year anymore than it was the last five. on May 18th, 2001 the first man that made me giggle incessantly and made me believe that any dream i had could come true died. it wasn’t entirely unexpected. i had been dreaming about him dying or being dead for months. the suddeness of the emotion wasn’t negated by that though. for some reason or other my brother and i both arrived at the hospital together and were able to not be the only one listening to a crass doctor telling us that they’d figure out what happened exactly when they did the autopsy—no sorry for your loss, no we did all we could, no he didn’t suffer, just mention of the autopsy. fyi if i ever see that surgeon again i’ll probably slap him for that but all in all it wasn’t his fault. daddy’s body was shutting down and he was ready to go. we had a lot of good talks the months before he died which i think back to whenever i need to remember him. a lot of it was about the things i needed to take care of in case something happened before he was able to do them himself. i did ask, rather annoyed at the beginning, why he wouldn’t tell my older brother all of this as he was killing in my mind the place i had as the only and cherished girl in the family. he laughed and said because i trust you to do these things for me and he was right. i handled everything from the will to the bitchy ex wife to the looney ex wife and the quiet ex wife and my own mother lol (yep daddy was good at getting married but not so good at staying married). we sold the house, the car, gave away what neither of us could look out without aching to family or friends or charity and we both left the house within a few days of each other that August.
at the beginning of every May though i want to be a little girl again and go racing around the corner as daddy scoops me up and scratches me with his beard and recites bad poetry and corny fables. by the 18th it dawns on me again that i can’t recapture that feeling again no matter how hard i might want to and for the second year in a row that doesn’t sting like all get out to process. i have often wondered if the current Daddy connection i like to have to/with my Dom is related and i’m sure on some level it is. but i really do just enjoying being protected and nurtured and loved in the warm fuzzy way men who can assume that role can provide. i noticed that well before there was a crappy surgeon and an empty house. my longer/est relationships were with men that made me feel safe and that actively wanted to take care of me and do a bit of that worshipping thing that good dad’s can give their daughters. and while i would have some bad relationships in there it was usually because i was getting away from men that reminded me of my daddy. good guys for other people just a poor selection for myself. so i have this date looming this week and then unexpectedly i get news that Roaming Soldier is not only leaving this week but He’s leaving and i won’t be able to see Him before He does. i was muttering through the first three days of the work week and even tried to be nice to my mother before she threw yet another tantrum (wonder if i can still swap her out for Littlest Soldier–she can’t possibly be more trouble than my mother is). yesterday my body said enough and had me sick to my stomach most of the day. bed was good but there was still work to be done today. that’s where i am now, behind my office door and face freshly dried from annoying tears. in case you all haven’t picked up on it i’m not a big crier. i cry when i am just so frustrated and fed up that there is nothing else to do. yesterday would have still sucked a bit even if RS was home but the fact that He wasn’t, that i still have not the slightest idea where He is or how He is doing made it worse. all i wanted to do last night was curl up under Him and sleep well after having some ridiculously illegal in certain states time alone with Him. i need Him home, just like Night Owl needs pillar and Littlest Soldier needs the only parent she has left. i feel selfish even thinking of myself right now and try to rationalize it back out—stop it you just met, you haven’t been able to spend anytime alone together it’s still possible you might hate one another, quit your bitching girl and get one with your day—but that doesn’t work at all. i’m worried about Him and i care about Him and i love Him. and since He can’t be home to appreciate me in that sash then i’ll have to do what i promised Him i would. i will pray and look out for the people He cares about–including me. and as i’m never one to break a promise to Daddy then i’ll just have to do that and try to do a better job managing my time, patience and energy.
i may be back later. i always get ummm in a mood to sacrifice kittens when i get this stressed and it is apparently national masturbation month so i gotta do my best to honor the last 12 days of the month in style. okay enough with my blathering.