still not back, but…

i have never been at ease loving anyone. as evidenced by the fact that for the last four or five years the only man that has heard me make such a proclamation was my brother before this weekend. love makes me uncomfortable and i’m sure unstable to a certain degree. the flood of emotions not easily controlled, the doubt where there would normally be none, all of it overwhelms me and leaves me open when it’s so much nicer observing from the background. something happened yesterday that nearly made me question my sanity and for the better part of the day just had me aching. last night only made it worse and the 2AM prayer just sent me into dreams that were hard and deep. when i woke up i realized i prayed for the wrong things even though the pressing ache was gone. the upside is i haven’t turned into a teary eyed mess since the flight home. the bad side is i may never turn into a teary eyed mess again. i have potentially stepped into the land of no return with Emperor and if that’s the case it will be even longer before i’m back and blogging regularly but i’m as fine as i can be under the circumstances and He will be better soon—with or without me.

lyrics to the songs i’m listening to can hopefully be accessed by clicking here and finding the corresponding album