that is how i started my day. wearing three inch heels and a smile. i was smiling because in total un-red-like fashion, i abandoned the pants today. i slipped into sheer black hose and found a yet to be worn pair of black strappy three inch heels. they weren’t my favorite pair, or so i thought, so i was unsure about wearing them with the black skirt with the lovely split on my left thigh. even more unsure about wearing the pristine white shirt i’m wearing now because i have a tendency to be a clutz. but with four hours to spare i am still stain free and have only twisted my ankle by purposively putting them at weird angles when i sit. i got my hair done yesterday and it was flowing quite well with the outfit so yes i started this morning amid a rash of compliments on my cuteness wearing three inch heels and a smile.
i have no idea what happened in the forty five minutes since this funk has set in on me. everyone in blogland appears to be well and happy. work is good. my clients haven’t been unstable. lunch was good and still a funk has descended. i read taylor’s blog today and it made me ponder the different times and ways i have been demanding of Emperor. i’ve always said it was because i wanted to be there for Him and be better for Him and on some level i know that to be true. however, i also know it’s because i want to be wanted. that will sound silly i’m sure but it’s sad and lonely living with doubt. and there is only doubt because i am not getting the acknowledgement the way i want it to be. i am unsure as to why the way He wants it hasn’t been enough for me and it saddens me greatly that i have repeatedly just not been satisfied. that wanting continuously breeds insecurity in me that i have to keep stepping on with three inch heels and that returns as quietly as it can until it’s whispering in my ear again.
you are not enough. you are not what He wants. the sooner you accept these things the happier you will be and the less distraught you will be when He inevitably leaves. i can shake them away before bed but they come with me into my dreams and stay there to do horrible little dances. i also read Master Enigma’s blog today as well. His post probably wasn’t meant to do this at all lol but it made me start thinking again about those wants and needs.
is it so wrong to want to know that you are lusted after, longed for, that you please the person that so encompasses your world? i commented there after reading that being so desired was what i hoped to have with Emperor. but then my wants started crashing into reality and i again feel like i have somehow failed on the big submissive midterm exam. how could i possibly expect to get those things from Him when i cannot be happy with what He gives me now? i do want to make Him happy, but more than that i need to know that i have done so. i need to know that i have done all that i can to be exactly as He has expected me to be and if i come up lacking then i cannot say that i didn’t try. but each demand, if you can call it that, i’ve made on Him is weighing on me now and the weight may have ruined any reasonable prospect of being more for Him and because of Him.
so i’m still in that skirt, that shirt, with my hair immaculately coiffed lol, and in those three inch heels. the smile just feels forced and i am terrified that i will have disappointed Him again in some glaring way. i am sure this will all settle down in my brain soon but i had to get it out now. sorry if i made anyone at all remotely sad lol.
see ya later
eta: the day got much better and the night was mostly good as well, i hope all of you have a good weekend.