that happens sometimes when i am doing twelve things in my mind at once but only one or two gets done. anyway this entry may be lengthy so if you don’t have time to peruse it i suggest skipping down to the much more terse posts below it.
adding this snippet from a message board i’m on that just posted a topic i think is relavent to me and my issues:
For the submissive or slave, what is it you need from your Dominant?
it’s amazing how we see things right when we are meant to. i’ve been debating this as of late for myself so that i can quit tormenting Him with incessant questions that He really has no idea how to answer. the most basic response i could give is that i need structure right now. i’m still incredibly new to all of this but it feels like i’ve finally found my center so i’m also dedicated to learning and being a better sub/slave to Him. because we aren’t in the same city it does make things a little more difficult, especially since He’s used to having someone nearby, but i need to feel His guidance more than i do at the moment. as i tend to overthink things when i have too many options it would greatly help me out to have His plans for us clearer in my mind so i can be working toward that as i learn more about who i am as a sub. i’ve rambled on basically to repeat that i need a more rigorous structure from Him.
to start with, i revisited the sex and the city quiz and yes i’m still carrie. having dealt with Emperor a little more since then i’m slightly more convinced that yep He could be my Big. i was hurt, hell i was devestated, by what i thought He had done several days ago. last night though, i was happy, complacent and territorial because i didn’t want anyone near my Emperor. ok i know that’s not rational and i’m sure you are wondering what the correlation is, well here it is: i still refuse to say i’m in love with Him but i do LOVE Him. that’s why i was so hurt. felt like i had fallen and bumped my damn head again. i can refuse to be IN love with Him because honestly we don’t know enough about one another to say that love is longterm. however His persona resonates with me and makes me happy. i love that feeling so maybe if i don’t love Him i can honestly say that i love the way He makes me feel. and if carrie can wait (well sorta she was constantly dating) for Big then i can definitely give Emperor either time to make me blissfully happy chained to Him or to piss me off so severely that my only other alternatives are to lock Him in the trunk of my car and drive off a bridge. ok i’m so playing, i am not going to jail PERIOD. moving on.
okay the list has obviously returned. maybe i’ll do a monthly review of it to see if anything in particular needs to be updated or erased and see if Emperor still fits. changes this time will be in another text color. some may appear to overlap a bit but it’s how it’s coming out of my brain right now.
- i would like someone who is open and willing to train me to their SPECIFIC needs: eliminates confusion for me and makes me happy to please them (ADDENDUM–i’ve come to realize my happiness to serve is always present, i do believe that my need for training has intensified though and i don’t think that will fade soon) not a whole to change here, it would be easier to be trained if we were closer to one another but i think we’ll be visiting more frequently now so that will definitely HELP things out immensely
- i would like someone who is quite aware of my newness but still ready to make me the best sub i can be (ADDENDUM–inconsistency makes me uneasy, i don’t like it)
- i would like someone that sees the longterm potential in this lifestyle and wants to engage in it
- i would like someone who despite my newness has such a sadistic streak that being aware of my limits only excites in Him a need to shove me beyond them moaning and screaming (hasn’t really changed i just LIKE that statement lol)
- i would like to spend days or weeks or forever being spanked, choked, tied up and humbled by my Master
- i would like to be in constant service to my Master
- i would eventually like to be the alpha/collered sub in my Master’s domain: i’m always willing to share as long as i’m remotely secure in my position in His life (ADDENDUM–my preference is to be the only one but Master’s wants are paramount so whatever He desires is what is most important as long as i can handle them)
- i have come to understand that in a lot of ways i am like a newborn with regards to my scope of knowledge and desire for intensified instruction from my Master. to that end i know that i highly NEED some sort of constant presence and structure from Him. i need to know there are things He is molding me to do that will better serve Him and that He is committed to making that training both a humbling and rewarding experience.
now wasn’t that basic and simple? here’s what for the moment i know i don’t want.
- someone that is just toying around in the lifestyle
- someone who will not consistently discipline me i think i said a few posts back i have the potential to be a brat, that does need to be checked from time to time
- someone who will not appreciate the gift of submission
- someone not confident in their leadership
- someone who is not interested in a longterm arrangement (longterm of course being negotiable)
- someone who does not share with me what i can do in order to better serve Him (addendum)
so now you’ve made it all the way down here. let me know if you have any feedback, i’d appreciate it actually.