Duolingo just had Duocon. A nerdy hour to let us know what they were rolling out soon. Talking to a cranky teenager, math and music lessons, and adventures. I think we have to pay for item one and three but I can only do that if I choose to switch back to primarily learning French and not Dutch. And honestly I can’t do one or three until they get it on Android because right now they are focusing on ioS things which means I can chill for a while. The math was way more fun than it should have been. I hit my friend challenge in two days and that was because I forced myself to not do it in one. Regardless, it’s helping me brush up on my language and nerd skills simultaneously.
Unrelated to that, I was reading random shit between meetings and stumbled upon a profound for today statement. A woman had been waiting on her affair partner to leave his wife/her former best friend, for damn near twenty years. They had a seventeen year old child together in addition to his other children with his wife (and maybe others). She was never the person who was first in her partner’s life. He never lived with her and their child. She had been making due with whatever he could provide for two decades. Brief breakups were because she was tired of being low woman on the priority list but she always let him back into her life because she loved him. The person she was speaking with was like ma’am at this stage for certain you deserve to be someone’s number one. The person that they chose and made a priority. It made me think again about all the times I hadn’t done that. That I was so enamored of the person and what I felt for them that I was willing to take a backseat to whatever they were dealing with in their lives. On one hand, that’s great because I’m letting people do what they think is best for themselves. On the other hand, it’s definitely not great because when I need support or just want to see them I would have to hope that a promised meeting would take precedence over whatever else was taking place.
I even rationally know that a few folks could have run towards what I was providing instead of away and dealing with things on their own but I am still big on the extending grace and remembering something else. If the universe wanted those folks to choose me then they would have. Clearly, it did not. Either because I never would have been more than someone on the list or because of something else that wouldn’t make the relationship ultimately satisfying for me. Every blue moon I get sad because I see some of those situations as missed opportunities. The periods in my life when I was still fertile and romantic enough to want to be someone’s wife. I had an argument with one about where we were sending the kids to school. Kids we didn’t have and ultimately would never have. There won’t be any kids and it’s highly unlikely I’ll be sending out wedding invites in the future but it doesn’t stop me from clearly seeing that at this point in my life I want to be chosen and cherished. I want to be courted and claimed. I want to wake up secure and safe. There may be love, there may be lust, there may be dizzying sweeping emotions and peaceful intense touching. There may be any number of things but it starts with a choice that is repeated daily to be open, honest, clear, and figure it out together.