Sorry y’all I just got distracted. I was about to tell you that I just took some painkillers so this may end up decidedly less thuggish than I try to portray myself. To be fair, emotionally I can be a thug. I know it confuses the fuck out of men I know cause I can shut down whatever emotions were spilling out of me long enough to cut them clean the fuck off and move on. At least, move on enough that they cannot directly get to me most of the time. When I was headed out on an errand tonight, I heard What You Need by TEMS and it brought back memories of different partners. Completely forgot about it when I went into the store, got what I needed and headed out. I decided to listen to Kehlani on the drive home which love her last album so yeah. Still came on after Out The Window and I realized part of why I liked the album in general is it gives off reformed thug vibes. Like I love you for real and I’m gonna tell you instead of just hiding. Howsoever, some of it’s too late to walk back into. And Kehlani’s Still reminded me of Karol G. and Bruno’s Still in terms of content. Both of them reflect the moment when you acknowledge this is done and likely needs to be but yeah I still love you. Hearing the thoughts in my head reflect out into music is weird for me but also very useful. It’s a common theme because we can relate. Provided you don’t become crazy as hell and be stalking folks later is where we gotta discuss maybe. Not me particularly. I check on my exes every blue moon but it’s what I can see online and not involving interaction 95% of the time. That other 5% is probably gonna fall off in the next year or so because I don’t need updates. We’re friends so I know what I need to know.
Now I’m thinking about making a new batch of my favorite ice cream but with Biscoff cookies in place of the gingersnaps. Debating if that would be too sweet or not. That’s because I was having a a Nothing Bundt Cake Biscoff cakelet thingy and after getting it without the frosting I tried it with the frosting and it was just too much sugar for me. I might make the cake for the holidays though. Gotta get some cookie butter. Ok back to the other purpose of this post.
I was trying to figure out why those songs were resonating with me more now. Cause for real, younger me would have been very much in my Cardi B/Meg Thee Statllion bag about replacing someone’s dusty son after it was clear they weren’t going to be who I needed them to be. It hasn’t even been a consistent emotion since I’ve been in the lifestyle. I forget Emperor existed more often than I should. Soldier was almost the reason I became Catholic and is definitely the reason I didn’t but it was over and it needed to be. I grieved and then moved on. Same with No Go and eventually with Mr. Good Nhyte. The only person that lingered in ways I didn’t ask for was the Dutchman. It occurred to me during my music aided travels that part of the issue was he saw all of my weirdness and darkness and not only accepted it but reshaped it. And the reasons we couldn’t connect more were honest and realistic even when they hurt. He essentially set me on this pathway of my submission. And I continued to crave that level of protection and guidance. Even if that wasn’t quite what happened it was what submissive me felt like. So she’s been untethered and it wasn’t until the last year or so when it became less of a rose colored glasses situation. There could be a Still moment in my heart without it requiring contact which is what a part of my brain kept wanting. I’m not a total thug anymore. Definitely reformed. I am open to possibility but happy with reality.