…..Mr. Luther Vandross. For no other reason than it can and because You Got Me Going In Circles flooded my brain as I was trying to think of a title for this post. He might end up being linked throughout this post if it comes up again. I told y’all before I think in song lyrics so as I am trying to hash things out in my mind I hear songs that are loosely related. This is gonna be winding so bear with me. There are multiple things on my mind right now. One I’m trying to figure out to do with my mother for her next birthday. She’s hitting a milestone which I’m excited about BUT she doesn’t like to do anything and I almost have to force her out of the house most of the time–unless we’re going shopping–which is not great for planning. We could have a party but she’s got 1 friend and weird sisters so not a party crew. We could take her somewhere but see earlier note about she doesn’t do anything. I was just checking flights and what not to Vegas to see what that might right and honestly it wasn’t horrible, plus I have a buddy pass so really I could get away with half the expense there. Hotel room/rooms could be affordable but there’s no big concert slated for that time of year right now. She doesn’t gamble and while she will see a drag show there’s only so many good ones to go to. Plus it would be prior to WNBA season so no Las Vegas Aces–she loves everyone that used to play for South Carolina–but I guess if March Madness was still madnessing that may work. That does seem to go further into April these days. Sorry, got distracted by searching to see what was madnessing on her birthday and I may be able to make that work. Gonna get my brother’s thoughts because if he wants to see her then we can’t go to either regional tournament if he can’t tag along. Well that may have resolved itself so I guess I can put that on the shelf for a while.
Which is good because the other thing that was on my mind was why I was convinced that a part of me would always love someone that was never going to be in my life again. That culminated with a friend who I toss too much on not being available to talk me off the ledge and a former fuck friend asking me to read his book on relationships. The parts I could read aren’t for free, girl ain’t got time to buy it right now and I told him that, and mimic some of the things I tell folks who ask me about relationships. It also talked about making sure you have a solid foundation for the attraction so that it doesn’t become toxic. I feel like there was only one person that I became toxic with and that was me trying to hold on to who I thought he was and not who he was showing me he was. That person was massively disappointing and it took a while to reconcile that is exactly what I was going to look forward to if I couldn’t get myself together. And if you believe in karma or timing then Luther just helped me again with the first part of this paragraph. This song perfectly encapsulates how you can love someone that is never going to be in your life again. The first time I heard it I think the damn thing almost broke me. It was a few years after my father died and I thought that wound was largely scabbed over and I was wrong. It gutted me in the car and I lost my breath. Started crying like someone had just told me he was gone five minutes before. My father has been gone for a long time and I still feel immense love and gratitude for what he was able to instill in my life while he was here. It seems sillier to say that about a person who is still here in my rational brain but it’s not. Love is an emotion and verb and I can admit I didn’t always verb well. I hope I verb better when or if someone sets my world to rights again. Gonna go finish listening to Michelle and get some rest. Or a cookie. One of the two.