Hey Good People,
if you are on fetlife then you already know where this post is probably headed. A few nights ago, after a long chat with GN, I had a dream that threw me off balance. The dream itself was a silly one like normal for me when I’ve been tired and I’m finally getting some good sleep. The last few moments of the dream are what had me going what in the absolute fuck when I was conscious. Once I was able to get full capacity of my brain again I started thinking about what happened. In those last few moments, I greeted the Dutchman at my front door. This would be uneventful in most of my dreams. By that I mean an ex showing up at my house would not have registered. I would wonder how they found out where I lived because none of them know but other than that, not at all would not have been a blip. In this particular case we have some things in play that are not standard. The Dutchman well is Dutch and lives in the Netherlands. I’m not sure he’s been to the states but he’s never been here to see me. Additionally, as happens in lots of my random dreams where my exes pop up, I wasn’t in my actual house but a house completely foreign to me. I think I was unpacking when we heard someone knock on the door/ring the doorbell whatever. So first thing out of the way. Second thing, we literally didn’t talk at the door. He saw me, I looked shocked, he came in and I mentioned to my mother and other guest I was taking him to my room. It wasn’t until we got to the bedroom that he said anything and that didn’t take place until the other strange thing took place. I said nothing in the room. Not why are you here or how did you find me or why are you dressed in all white or even why do I still want you to fuck the taste out of my mouth. No sounds came from my mouth at all. I simply fell to my knees in front of him while he wrapped his arms around me and started telling me everything was okay. That he was here now and I’d be fine. He ran through my nicknames and somewhere around him repeating his nickname for me I woke up.
I’d like to say it was because I was horny, tired, drunk, or in a frenzy but none of that was taking place. I mean I’m always tired but not so tired that ex comforting me seems to be part of the game. The last time an ex popped up it, it was one of my vanilla exes trying to convince my dad that he had changed and would be good for me. My dad didn’t believe him and neither did I. So that dream was awkward because my dad died a long time ago so what plane of reality this conversation was taking place on I am unsure. I mean it’s a dream though so reality doesn’t matter. I try to make things make sense when I wake up because I’m rational as fuck until I’m not. When I’m not it’s usually because I’m angry, horny, or my submission is short circuiting my brain. I hate that last one. I can address the first two relatively easily. Usually with the same solution. Submissive brain is a BITCH. Some days I’m not sure it’s even worth the drama of letting it activate but then someone tickles that part of my brain and my legs spring open and I want to be on my knees for whatever they want. Like I think that’s a separate issue from the dream and the horny and the whatever. I feel, fuck him he said this when I was talking about this with GN, incomplete when I don’t have a dominant partner. Not in the sense that life is horrible and I can’t function but in the this is not as enjoyable as it is when there’s someone who wants to take control of me and does in my life at the end of the day. It gives me peace to surrender to the right person. I literally just closed my eyes and sighed thinking about it just now. Just having them available to take some of the load away from me is amazing. Doesn’t need to be financially or anything else, it just needs to be slowing me down, making sure I’m doing whatever it is I need to do to improve in general and in my submission, and finally hurting me. I like the sex afterwards but the pain brings me peace. It’s been years since I’ve been hurt properly and I crave it almost like I crave my next bite of something delicious.
I don’t know what it means that the Dutchman was there and comforting me. Maybe the universe is saying someone is coming soon to provide me peace, centering and pain. Maybe it was just trying to make me say again, I need pain and centering to bring me peace. Either way, I would like to stop dreaming about it and start doing it again.