I’m up making cookies after a semi-productive day. Made dinner for the next few nights and had a meeting. Going to do some work and prepare a presentation tomorrow. Secretly hoping it snows so I can stay home but hey whatever. I’ll get paid if I do make it to the presentation so woosah. And the weather isn’t calling for snow until the end of the month so there’s that lol. Hold on gotta check on cookies. Okay another pan is in the oven and another prepped to replace it. I don’t like having both pans in at one time because one always bakes faster than the other. Let’s see what random things I can tell you at the moment. I’ve been working on my Dutch again. I’m using all of the apps I’ve downloaded over the years instead of just one. They each seem to drill different things but they are complimenting each other. And they are each making me speak more often than I would on my own. It was a little hard to do one when I was sick this past week but I could still work on my vocabulary and sentence structure and all that stuff. I’m attempting to get my trip back on for next year but gotta get the company on the hook again or find a new one. I could arrange everyone on my own but I really really do not want to do that at all. Oh and the other stuff at work is going well so it’s just a matter of finding the right support there when I need it.
I’ve been in a weird place emotionally the last few weeks too. Not sure if that was because I’m sick or tired or something else entirely. Sorry gotta do another cookie run. Okay almost done with the baking. Got one small tray to go after the current one is done. Real butter is the best thing ever when baking lol. The cookies do make me feel better but that isn’t the point of this part of the post. I haven’t been crying which yeah for me but I have been kinda mopey. I want someone to talk to about kink that isn’t my ex but I want to talk to my ex and inevitably kink will come up. I’ve been attending virtual kink seminars and they have been informative and moving and part of me was being sucked in and part of me was being anxious that these groups wouldn’t be available to me soon either. That fear of rejection is real but the other problem if you want to call it that is these events have all been tied to the leather community. No one has been rude or said if you are not part of the leather community you can’t attend but these has not been a part of the lifestyle that has been part of my experience. I respect mostly everyone I’ve met in this part of the community but there are also some folks that turn me entirely off so I’m not sure what it would mean to try to dive deeper into that space. Or to realize that isn’t necessary and that I can attend lots of things and learn about them and myself without it being more than that. My cookies are yummy lol. I should get in bed soon. I’m not super tired but I feel like if I don’t rest then none of my plans for the day will happen.
Plus maybe it will give me some time to process these scattered emotions. I’m not looking for closure but I need to have a conversation with someone before I can fully put something to bed. It’s not going to happen which is annoying a part of my brain. It makes everything that happened feel diminished or unimportant which doesn’t line up with the clear emotions I was having. Brain needs to shut off now. Good night.