I will post the last of the journal prompts tomorrow which doesn’t quite bring me to a year of posts because I just got over the daily posts. Some of them were repetitive and others were just not applicable. Even though it isn’t up yet, I learned a lot from this exercise of thinking about my submission. Mostly that my submission is just that mine. I bought the prompts and book because The Submissive Guide and by default luna was one of the first submissives I was exposed to when I sought to understand this side of myself. While it and places like Dark Connections, were resting places that allowed me to learn about myself a fair bit they were also not entirely great for me. I’m pretty good about not comparing myself to other people in the vanilla realm because there are too many variables that come into play when it comes to making someone who they are. In submission though, I kept looking for how to be better and be chosen and not be left and wasn’t considering all of those individual differences and variables that make comparison massively unhealthy. My life has literally never allowed for a full time live in dynamic and it likely never will. My body has never made it taller than 5’4” and when I was under 150 pounds I don’t know that I had boobs. I was seeking how to find a path and not recognizing again that each of our paths is entirely different. While this year of prompts reminded me that I would like to be in community with other kinky people, it’s also something I don’t get easy access to unfortunately. Not having those things doesn’t make my submission less than. It makes it decidedly different. It’s maybe gonna evolve but also may just be what it is now indefinitely. I will still remain a person who would rather let her partner lead, enjoys a great thuddy spanking and depravity, and who needs a deep mental connection above all other things in order to be truly happy. I don’t know that I’m a better submissive but I’m a more secure one for having had the last year of prompts and whatever comes next is to be discovered.
I’ve been having some very involved sexual dreams again and I am remembering them when I wake up. Not the feeling of like I need to cum right now but actual details of what transpired and why they were engaging. The dreams don’t really make sense in one way. I “know” the man involved but he’s not the man I know. Like it’s a friend from college’s name and we’re hooking up in a situation that I would be in with that person but they don’t look like said friend or sound like said friend and there’s literally no reason that I would fall into bed, get tied up and fucked into oblivion by said friend. It’s a different friend every dream as well so I don’t feel like I’m secretly crushing on an ex. I think I’m horny as fuck again and that is weird for me. I’ve kind of put even dreaming or praying for a partner on the shelf for the last year. Grieving my exes and what I wanted there was apparently rougher than I counted on but now at least my dreams are acknowledging that my body wants a partner even if my heart may not be entirely ready. And I can’t even say that. I just don’t know where to meet the new lust of my life. I’m enjoying my fet hiatus after my brief foray back into the breach. He’ll stumble onto me at some point maybe. I’m happy though. And I let the last bit of angst go today when I sent an email and message. It’s time for the next big adventure.