Nights Like This I wish someone would call

Prompt for today: What aspect of your life has been the hardest to surrender? Why?  No one has actually made me turn over my entire life to them.  I don’t know that any of them have really wanted that much control over me.  When I was with GN, he made me take better care of myself than was normal and that was an adjustment because I don’t like letting go and trusting someone to make decisions for me.  Mostly because if they are the wrong decisions then I have no one to blame but myself for trusting them to know better than I did.  I’m not sure if I can ever let go that much.  The one time I thought I could well that didn’t work out.  Self-sabotage is a bitch.

I should be asleep but I’m awake.  I almost knocked out, opted to masturbate and now I’m blogging.  I also checked my phone in case someone wanted to talk.  News flash, they did not.  And I am not gonna be needy stalker bitch this evening.  Missing someone is just part of the package right now.  I can’t even blame being drunk on the reaching out.  And it’s not loneliness.  It’s just a little bit of an ache when my head is too quiet and there’s nothing to do to distract myself.  I was also reading my digital BDSM story tonight and I get that part of the allure is the push pull and that he’s adamant about what he wants and how he wants to achieve that goal with her.  I wish I ever felt that secure with a partner.  That is a shot waiting to happen if it ever comes up when I’m playing Never Have I Ever.  It’s starting to storm right now too.  This used to be good snuggling weather.  Now it’s just keeping me awake

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