cue the janet jackson

i don’t always say what i want to say here because i’m not sure who is reading it.  that’s dumb because as best i can tell the only people reading this are bots and me. i don’t want to make people uncomfortable but i don’t have anyone to talk about this stuff with anymore.  i’m single. most of the submissive leaning friends i had disappeared or don’t fit in my life anymore.  i don’t have any dom friends really, not anymore.  i have exes, memories and ghosts.  i didn’t even open up about this to my last therapist because she wasn’t ready and i need someone who can get in there with me.  there are days i am just fine and there are days i am cratered.  those cratered days have been coming more often because i’m tired and when i’m tired i cannot keep everything together.  shit is hard enough when i’m ok and feeling good but right now i’m neither.  and all i want is my dad really.  i’d really dig it if we could sit on the couch and talk about malcolm x and cartoons and tennis and if tiger woods is ever gonna play again and that he was proud of me again.  i haven’t heard his voice in almost 21 years and fuck that hurts.  cause what i do have is a banshee that is the absolute fucking worst and i get to take care of her until she’s gone.  and you know what i cannot think of the last time she said she was proud of me and she only says thank you when she feels compelled to.  not big on the love you either.

sorry had to pause to cry for a second.  when i fall in love, it tends to be way too deeply and with someone who isn’t really available to me.  that hasn’t changed as part of D/s.  if anything it’s worse.  then men who connect to my spirit are usually good fathers who make me feel safe.  kinda like my dad did.  the difference is my dad went out of his way to tell all of us he loved us and was proud of us and check in on me in particular sometimes because he knew i made myself small when i was hurting.  and when i was small i was quiet and i could say that way indefinitely.  my partners don’t know that though.  they aren’t part of my coping strategy and are often confused by the switch in my personality.  kinky me is very direct and very honest.  hurt me is damn near able to disappear.  prolonged hurt me then has questions but it’s too late by then.  i was just thinking about when i fell out of love with one of my vanilla exes who captured my psyche and i can’t tell you for certain. one day that emotion was just gone but it was well after the relationship ended.  that’s where i am now.  except that the men now can and have seen parts of my being that no one else has.  all they haven’t gotten out of me is my dad’s nickname for me and that’s probably a good thing.  if that had become associated with one of them i might be suicidal to never hear it again.  

so here i am right now deliberately not reaching out to GN or the Dutchman because they have moved on and i’m the dumbass fighting my tears late on a Sunday night.  neither will see this anytime soon and no one that knows any of us will relay that message.  i used to hope for that.  that someone would say that girl needs you, please go check on her.  that girl loves you, would move heaven and earth for you, what else do you need.  don’t you want a sub who lays herself open to you.  then why did you leave her hanging.  but no one knows me or them well enough to even start that conversation and i’m happy about that right now.  that would sound desperate as fuck and there’s no reason to spark a pity tour.  i’ll be okay after i catch my breath.  not sure when that will be but it’s not tonight.

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