So I will say I started this last week and only go one sentence in. This sentence—-> I’ve been watching crap TV all day but thankfully one of those adventures got me onto new to me but old music by Train which will be good Christmas listening. The movie was typical Hallmark filter and really the best part of the film were the Train Christmas songs. I didn’t listen to them this week though because I woke up in pain on Sunday and that has lingered throughout the week. I will say that last week I didn’t have much of a recap for you anyway because I was tired, anxious and the prompts themselves were not causing it. As of this week, that’s not the case. I’m feeling better after four days of steroids and now a week past my booster shot. That was pre Omicron but guess what, if they get a shot for that one or the next one or the next one I’m gonna get that one too. We signed the contract for our new house and will be moving, I hope, before the end of the year so I can start the new year unpacking and working out with my new Mirror that I bought so I can workout at home without worrying about people being germy or the next strain of whatever. I’ll probably downgrade my gym membership but there may be a day in the future that I just want to hit a treadmill or use someone’s free weights and what not.
This move and these prompts have made me more emotional than I was expecting. I think a lot of things are converging right now. The first being the ways in which my mother has been whining and unhappy about all aspects of the move because she can’t turn the new house into a shrine for her old shit. Don’t get me wrong, losing crucial things would suck but I haven’t had a house that I enjoy since she moved in with me almost two decades ago. I’ve been having this conversation with her since we started in on this home search but apparently seeing that I wasn’t making things up was too much for her brain and just made her distressed. That in turn means she lashed out at me for disappointing her again. There are some other lingering things but that’s the gist of it. We should never live together ever but it is what it is. The prompts this week just made me feel inadequate. I know the person that wrote the prompts comes from submission from a totally different place and with different kinds of relationships than I have had but I felt incredibly useless and like a failure to those that I had been with prior to now. Lots of self doubt and not a lot else right now. Thankfully no one is on this ride with me right now so I can be a mess without fear.