Sunday my old friend, we meet again

There’s a lot on my mind again.  I may get to it and honestly I may not.  Let’s do the prompt that I looked at early this morning and then went to bed.  How has your Dominant encouraged you to grow as a person?  As a submissive?

So right before bed my initial thought was that they don’t per se or have not in the past.  In reflecting after some sleep, I’d say it’s more nuanced.  My Dominant partners have not had to encourage me to grow as a person because I am always trying to grow as a person.  They didn’t discourage any of my pursuits but I always had them.  Sometimes they may point out ways to do it easier or better but overall they were just really good cheerleaders.  As a submissive, it was to grow in what I needed to do for them which is what I would expect.  It wasn’t develop these set of skills in general but more that I should develop these skills for my relationship with them.  I don’t know that I’ve seen a different model and I honestly was not disappointed in how that progressed.  I only bumped heads with a Dominant partner because they wanted me to communicate in ways that were contrary to how I typically behave but there was nothing to be gained but an ego stroke for them.  Maybe there was but we never came to a good place on those things.

Now that the prompt is over I will say that things are interesting.  In a few weeks I’ll be moving to a better space and I’m excited about that.  I’m still hopeful that a few other things will come to fruition over the next six months, woo typed weeks at first and that won’t be the case.  Lots of things are getting done after a period of preparation so I’m happy about that.  If my dating life was on the same trajectory, I would be overjoyed but that’s not ever how my life works.  The best I can hope for when my dating life is going well is that things with the rest of my life are stable.  Let me be single for a while and rebound from my angst and I get fired up in the rest of my life.  Maybe because my energy and focused isn’t split or maybe because I need to focus on something so that I don’t get fixated on being single.  I don’t actually mind being single though so I’m not sure.

Indifference can kill me slowly.  Saying something is always better than the alternative.  When Mr. Wolf released me, I was less pissed about being release than the timing of it and his rationale for it.  The year before had been one of the worst of my life.  Mom was in the hospital and nearly died twice.  There was a long stint in rehab for her and I was fighting to keep my job because of how our company handles things.  As we were discussing his decision, he eventually touched on that and how I didn’t ask him for help or lean into the help he offered.  I’m sure I was snarky at the time but the help he offered wasn’t what I needed and I didn’t ask for what I did need because of his past behaviors.  That and his own thoughts about parents.  We couldn’t connect there so that year just severed whatever connection we had.  I watched him form or deepen relationships with people that were readily available to him due to location and it was probably some relief when he finally pulled the trigger–again just not great timing.  Good Nyte and the Dutchman just kinda let me flail out of my own.  If I reached out they were receptive but if I didn’t or if I had to tend to something else the conversations died out quickly.  Saying you don’t want me anymore or cannot be with me for whatever reason allows me to grieve and doesn’t afford me the possibility of hope.  It’s amazing what the heart will do with just a flicker of hope.  Stupid stupid heart.  

I am rehashing old things when I really just need to be happy about what is coming next.  There’s a lot of good coming.

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