The prompt for this entry is as follows: Turn to an entry in your journal or diary from a year or more ago. What has changed, and what has stayed the same since then? So before I get to writing let me go find an entry suitable to spark my memory. So that didn’t take as long as I thought it would. Full disclosure, I only looked at posts in November over the last two years because I know if I went too much further back that 1) I’d find nothing because I tend to blog when I’m happy or distressed or 2) I’d be so blissfully fucking happy that I’d want to drink heavily tonight and that shit is not cool. The post I chose can be found here. Now let’s get into it.
On the surface not a lot has changed from that post even though it’s been two years since I wrote it. I’m still single. The Dutchman occupies slightly more of my brain than he did at the time and Mr. Wolf is not in my life but in a different way than at the time of my writing. I think I forgot how long ago it had been since things broke of with Mr. Wolf and I. I remember it happened after a long year for me between working on a major promotion at work and mom being on the verge of death earlier that year. He was very concerned that I was making no effort to come see him or make time to see him if he could get to me but I literally had no space for anyone or anything in that moment. I was worried about losing my mom and my job in the span of six months and while a good D/s session may have calmed my nerves it more than likely would have sent me into some sort of psychotic episode because I needed care not a Dominant partner that was feeling needy to me. I was a short order cook, nurse, patient advocate, and still had to do my job and remain semi competent there. I’m sorry that I didn’t articulate that better and that I surely missed the ways in which I was discussed post break up but we should have ended things well before we did and we may have been able to be friends at the end.
I think I was numb when I wrote the post linked above. Doing a bit of cocooning before emerging full of submissive want and need.I wasn’t angry at Mr. Wolf or The Dutchman. I was just resigned to single life and living the best version of it I could. Can’t say I did that either but in my defense the world shut down like four months later so a trip I was planning for myself has been shelved as well as one I was planning for work. I was ready to let my slut flag fly for a while and enjoy getting under and over a few new people. Woo super random but that just made me think of the song I wanted to download but forgot about. Okay back to the writing. Sorry the third chorus change hit and I got distracted again. So where was I? Yes I was going to thot it up. Meet new Black men with new accents and thoroughly cleanse my spirit and get ready for the next great love of my life. But again the world stop and last year I was just trying to survive. In this period of change, I think I’m finally dealing with all of the things that didn’t get resolved. Which hey, it needs to happen but also not wholly enjoyable right now either.
So what’s the same–single. What’s different–finally letting myself feel the reasons for the single stuff. Not resigned to be single forever but if it happens that way I’m still planning lots of things I’ll enjoy. Oh and I got my teeth straightened, my hair is much less dark, doing big shit at work and working on my submission again. So things are better even if they aren’t dramatically different.