Have you ever been part of a poly dynamic? Did you enjoy it? Would you be in one again? This may be a doozy so buckle up now buttercup. I have been in an awkward poly dynamic. I met Mr. Wolf and the Dutchman around the same time. I struggled for months about which one made the most sense for me in where I was at that moment. Truthfully both relationships were going to be long-distance so that was a wash, both were sufficiently dominant for me to enjoy a good scene with either but they offered different things after that. My connection to the Dutchman was much more cerebral and aided in me exploring kink in ways that I had not done before and have not done since. My connection to Mr. Wolf was much more one of ownership and being protected. I eventually went to both of them with the idea of them jointly owning me for the avenues in which they could and one said yes in a heartbeat and the other said they knew they wouldn’t win outright.
So began an amazingly odd several year period of my life. The Dutchman was married and of course had play partners because we were on different continents. Mr. Wolf began with one tentative secondary partner and then kept adding to his vision of poly. Even though I had what I thought would work great for me, I became more isolated from the kink world and both of them eventually. I needed things from each I couldn’t articulate and it felt like renegotiating our dynamics just wouldn’t work even if I could find the words. I grew to need the sappy bond from the Dutchman and that wasn’t available and I needed more mental foreplay from Mr. Wolf and that’s not how we worked either. I withdrew from Mr. Wolf because of other things in my world and the Dutchman withdrew from my world because of things going on with him in his world. Additionally, I never spoke to or really about the other women that Mr. Wolf was seeing. So even though we were in the same social groups I ended up on the outs with all of those supports as he became more invested in those relationships. Both dynamics ended with more a whimper than a bang.
What I learned is that if I don’t have a relationship that fulfills 90 percent of my needs with one available partner, it doesn’t matter how many other people I put in play things likely won’t work out. I’m not sure I could do another poly dynamic without clearer rules and interaction in place. Mr. Wolf never wanted to talk to the Dutchman and I couldn’t get them to discuss anything about me and our relationships ever. Open communication between partners means no one has to feel left out and we can all be honest about moments of jealously or when one of us needs more support. And honestly I picked people I thought would enjoy chilling out with each other and tormenting me. Ahh well, it was interesting and intriguing but did not give me polyamory warm and fuzzies.