Complete this sentence and then keep writing: “Tomorrow I’m finally going to catch up on the stack of work in my queue.” It’s been sitting there too long and I need to tackle it. I’m going to sleep in first but then I plan on spending the rest of the day slogging through it. I don’t have anywhere that I’m supposed to be and I am working on the staying in the moment thing so I’m trying very hard not to get upset and stay upset with anyone. I’ll probably have to cook dinner at some point but I can ponder that when I wake up so I can then either let something marinade or fix something that doesn’t require that much energy. Either way, work is on tap and that will make me feel better that it’s done. If I tackle that early enough I’m gonna do some cleaning and dump things ahead of this move.
I’m confusing GN and I’m sorry. Maybe not confusing but he’s trying to protect me from me and you know me–I’m a dumbass sometimes. I am working through things in the way that I need to work through them. Folks keep sharing good posts on Fetlife which is awkward because I have such a love/hate thing with that site. One today raised a series of great posts and I had the same thought earlier in a random exchange with the Dutchman. So there’s a larger than should be potential that part of the issue with Mr. Wolf and I was that I couldn’t really divide my attention between him and the Dutchman the way I thought. A message from the Dutchman could send into a drippy orgasmic mess. Getting fisted by Mr. Wolf made me a drippy orgasmic mess. I could physically submit to him and enjoyed the pain he dished out mightily but the mental thing that was never there. I think that may have been because, as I read today and my brain crystallized around, I can’t split the mental submission. My brain, my psyche, my id whatever you wanna call it knows what it responds to and very few people trigger that. I KNEW that and I accepted that but it just hadn’t registered with me until today that my inability to pivot between them mentally meant nothing was ever going to work out the way it could have. Largely because the one that could get to me the easily couldn’t break through that part of my brain that makes me write smut or poetry about the person that wants to torment me. The person that inspired my lust couldn’t get to me physically. And physically when we were together we couldn’t just delve into unbridled lusty machinations because he had other responsibilities. In some ways, that’s probably a good thing though. Had either of us been able to fully engage physically I have no idea how I would have functioned when things ended. I struggled as it was. I desperately wanted to hear a “Hi cunt” or see it in a message to let me know that I wasn’t forgotten. Would have flown out immediately had he needed me to do that. I wanted to prove to him that I was worth holding on to. And the silence crushed me for a bit longer than I wanted it to. But then it didn’t and while I wasn’t okay I understood that we were not gonna be an us. Talking to him now I have to fight that impulse in me that says but I’m here and you just have to ask me to do anything again, just reclaim your cunt. But I don’t do that. Mostly because he seems happy and healthy again and what purpose would it serve to be acting like an addict when my drug is no longer available. But fighting that urge is also giving me a different kind of clarity that combined with these writing prompts is actually making me happy and healthy again. Understanding where I was, what I was, what went wrong and where I would like to be next is wonderful.