This blog has been around almost as long as I have allowed myself to engage in the lifestyle. I renewed the domain not too long ago because I wasn’t sure I was ready to let it go. It, or my place within the lifestyle. Honestly, I keep playing that about in my head and I’m trying to figure out seriously whether it’s time to take the red or blue pill for lack of a better analogy. There are things that I greatly love about kink relationships and finding my place in that realm has been affirming in unexpected ways. In that sense a blue pill would take me away from that and let me drift back into very vanilla and thus openly discussed relationship dynamics with everyone in my life. Nope it wouldn’t be as intriguing in some ways but it would be stable and what not. The red pill has made things more intriguing in some ways. Mixing pain with the things that make me happy has been amazing. But finding the right fit has been a struggle and the people that love on me don’t hurt me the right way. There’s no spark right now to keep me wishing that the Dominant partner of my dreams is right around the corner. We’ll have to see.
I had to come back and edit this after a rest. I have loved being a submissive. I have loved the high of getting to know a new partner. The dance of figuring out when and how we fit. The absolute peace of being owned. The contentment I felt after a good scene. No part of me wants to let go of those feelings. However, every part of me is tired of figuring out how to meet new people. Especially as my career moves me further along certain pathways and my time is more and more limited. I miss coming home to my partner. Mr. Good Nhyte kind of spoiled me there and that could be why I was so angry with him when he left instead of doing what I asked and moving his family with us. It would have been a strain but it would have kept us together. I wouldn’t have met the Dutchman or Mr. Wolf but I don’t know that it would have been necessary to find them. I wish I had the chance to find out instead of being displaced emotionally and psychologically for years until I stumbled on the two of them. And now a few years removed from one and not as many from the other–that may not be true, they both may have formally left for good in 2019 but whatever–I go through these moments when I can clearly identify what it is I’m missing and why and other days I’m just angry that I ended up single again and they–like always–moved on to the next thing and the next thing like I never even mattered. Yes that happens in the vanilla world but I have never given as much of myself in a vanilla relationship so it’s never mattered to me as much when those ended. Hell I was probably the chronic replacer in that situation which maybe makes all of this my karmic payback.
If you believe in astrology, Chinese or Western, I am borderline fucked in the reincarnation cycle. According to the Western folks, if I haven’t found my person by the end of this life I won’t. I’m at the end of the chase. I’ve felt like I was being run through all my previous life fucked up relationships from jump so I don’t think that person is here. I’ve also thought I must have been a horrible male partner because I’ve experienced the worst of bullshit relationship drama since I started dating. Per Chinese folks, I’m not at the end of the cycle per se but this is my last shot to figure it the fuck out. Otherwise I’ll wander through the rest of them all by myself. At this point, I don’t think I need to wander tied up. Whatever gratification it has given me isn’t necessarily being single for the rest of this soul’s eons. Okay I think I’m done again.