There are days I wonder why I even bothered to get out of bed. Sleeping was good, dreams were good and no one could piss me the fuck off. If you are my Fetlife friend, you may have correctly guessed that was one of those days. After a rough week of just being Black in America and then losing my brother from another mother in Chadwick Boseman I was in literally no mood for fuckery today. Today thankfully though I got a delayed text from my niece. Then I chatted with my brother for a bit and was reminded that he’s a good father and my nieces are very lucky. I did my Dutch homework and chatted with a friend and slowly but surely my mood tamped down a bit. I wrote a piece for my job and then I felt a little spent and with me and my anger that’s a good thing. I’ve lit several sage candles that have now started pushing out their scent and I feel much better.
So what you may have gathered is I’m a hard woman to date and that if I love you it take a lot for me to stop loving you. One of those love hard girls if you will. But when my brain starts to put together that those paranoid emotional tirades were likely more factual than they were not, I get pissed. I understand my brain. I know that I overthink and that every now and then I will need you to assure me that I’m overreacting and things are good. The only complication is if my heart interferes and tells my brain to hold on longer than my brain logically knows is good for any of us. This is a lot of delayed grief I’m starting to figure out. I had so much shit to do over the last few years between mom’s health and working toward promotion and what not that my relationship brain was not processing all the stuff it needs to when it realizes things are over. And that’s where we sit now. Processing and breathing in sage to return to calm.
As E. Lynn so eloquently stated, this too shall pass. It will and I need to take care of myself and my mood swings until it does.