So I’ve been thinking a lot since I’m not active with work right now. I mean I still have to work cause folks won’t let me be great when there are no active projects but thus is my life. I’ve been more in my introverted mode than normal as I process things and people and life and love and a whole host of things. And when I really don’t want to delve into any of that I’ve escaped into a game on my tablet. Well several technically as there are several little options to explore. It’s basically choose your own adventure stories for adults with just a hint of smut and romance and by hint I mean the characters get textually freaky but you ain’t seeing nothing. I’ve run through about 10 or so of the various stories and my brain clicked back into place a little bit. Not entirely but I will explain that in a bit.
When I letting my emotions override my ever so logical side I become a different kind of submissive. My submission is easy and gladly handed over and I can feel things without compromise or second guessing. That energy is addictive and I can weep from just being allowed to be free. Mr. Wolf would call that my harley side. The Dutchman would say that’s when I fully embody the label cunt. I say it’s when I am peace. But that energy is also damaging. I get distracted and frazzled and because I don’t really live with my partners–probably for that reason–there’s no one to help me stabilize when I crash hard. It’s not a sub drop. That never lasts longer than a few days. It’s more of a bottoming out, an empty well, a total void of all emotion until the tumblers start to click like I am manipulating a lock.
And with my mind in some ways I guess I am. I have to move from wide open and engaged to Fort Knox to regroup. I have yet to have a partner that can refuel me then. They can’t even attempt to put me back together and attempts to do so usually result in resentment on my part. People see me as blunt, clinical, detached and sometimes outright cold. I accept that but it’s not the core of who I am. The core is like I mentioned in that Buffy cookie dough post. I’m soft and gooey and not always able to protect myself unless I wall myself off. But last night as I was wrapping up another story I felt that click. I was intellectually stimulated. I was engaged in possibility again. I remembered what it was like to be seduced by words again. Words that we both may know are lies in the moment but feel too pure and too honest to second guess at the exact same time. And I sighed the happy sigh of a girl falling in love. Now I doubt that any of those digital characters will be making me orgasm or kneel or cry but feeling again was good.
Almost a month ago I took a break from Fetlife, kinky FB for the uninformed, because while most of my emotions were in the flat line range anger and jealously were in full effect. Things that wouldn’t have bothered me before from either of my partners was putting me into a rage. I didn’t want to hide them from my feed plus nothing was making me engage really so it seemed wise to step back. I pop on and check it out once or twice a week but I don’t participate. I see them still doing what men do in a fetish playground and the rage flairs and dies in record time. I’m just getting back to functional. If they are happy then I can’t begrudge them that. At least not right now.