I planned to write this post yesterday. I was desperate for a nap. Things calmed down and I was mid drool when the banging started. Had it been nocturnal fucking yeah for me but it was the middle of the day and yeah I was solo so no unexpected sleepy moisture. I tried to ignore it and then just as quick as it started it ended. So I lay back down and was almost asleep again but then shit started up one more time. That pattern repeated a few more times and then I gave up and binge watched the rest of 13 Reasons Why. It’s so damn slow but I know what happened now and I can ponder on it and how to incorporate it into other things as I know young folks are all very invested in it and the fact that there will be a second season. Not sure what that will be based on since there isn’t a second book but fuck it this is the land of make believe and that’s what folks want to mess with right now.
So today was Mother’s Day and as I still have one of those I took mine out for the day. We saw a movie, had a good meal, and then I let her round up food at all of her favorite spots that we don’t have locally and headed back to the house. She’s funny some days and I love her so that’s a good thing. You probably won’t see many of those posts here cause she’s normally driving me nuts but she’s always my biggest cheerleader and pain in the ass so gotta love her.
That had nothing to do with this post just a general aside as I’m working through things with my fingers. I also just chopped my fingernails off because I broke one at such a jacked up angle I couldn’t salvage it and it would have looked super strange with the others. Whoops hold on. Gotta through the laundry in the dryer otherwise I will have wet clothes and nothing I want to wear to put on my ass in the morning. Okay I’m back so yeah that was just a random tangent. The other stuff will be tangential too.
I am an odd duck if you haven’t figured that out. When I get stressed or upset I rarely lash out at anyone nor do I asked for help. I tend to get way introverted and introspective and need time to sort things out. Offers of support won’t be ignored outright but there’s usually no way to get me out of that place unless we play hard or I go on vacation. Neither of which has happened since I got back from Amsterdam and well that is still a bit of a cluster fuck of emotions so I have kind of tucked that away for now. I have had a realization about my relationships for a while now that I’ve tried to change or challenge and alter but it doesn’t shift very much. Seeing it clearly is somewhat disturbing because I don’t see how to readjust that in a productive way for me. So where does that leave me? Confused like normal. I love them both. I do better when I see or talk to them both regularly. But I’m also in a place where there’s a weird line between enough and too damn much and it’s never squarely in the same place. I kind of think I should go to therapy but I gotta find the right person and the time to do it. I need a plan b to healthy functional relationships cause plan a isn’t quite working.
Back to the laundry, tennis, cartoons and ID network I go.