TTF Part 6: a red velvet primer

This may not turn into a full on primer post but I have been thinking about things a lot lately, as I am often prone to do when my life is going well.  I nitpick at things and wonder what I could be better or what is keeping me semi stuck.  Really nothing is except my own brain.  I can become quite fixated on how I think something should be or how I feel something should be and ignore all data to the contrary.  This is why my exes and men in general can easily say that I’m not super emotional until I suddenly am upset.  I keep emotion at bay because it tends to steer me in the wrong direction a lot.  I lust for the rush but in the end that rush cannot be sustained and I get anxious then annoyed then weepy then doubtful until I’m finally just indifferent.  Truth be told I hate indifferent.  I know why it comes because it’s a self protective mode but seriously hate that mood state because it just brings down everything for a while.  On the upside when it passes I am usually happier and able to focus again on the rest of the world instead of what I’m longing for and what I know won’t come in the way I’ve been holding on to.  Today could have been all kinds of bad but as I have felt myself moving through indifference the last few days I took the time I had on hand to read, make some plans, plot my vacation this summer and then get annoyed because a major event has been scheduled at the same time as a work conference that I now have to plan around.  But even that hasn’t made me delve back into funky.  I have good friends, good options and will be enjoying my first major vacation to a foreign land this summer.  Plus I’m still losing weight and have ridiculous orgasms lol.  I’m a happy girl even if things are quite lined up as my wistful heart may have wanted.

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