For those of you that have been around longer than a few weeks, you know that my mother lives with me and routinely drives me crazy. It’s quite annoying when she’s here because simple things like having a loud orgasm are not really possible. Don’t get me wrong I still have them but seriously it’s been a decade almost since I’ve been able to just cum at will without being worried about volume control—unless she is on one of her visits to see the very adorable nieces well in her case granddaughters. I’ve been naked or as scantily clothed as I could be for the last three weeks. The fact that this week is also spring break has made it worse. I have thoroughly broken in my new be and I must say whomever made the Hitachi wand is a freaking genius and in need of a Nobel Peace Prize. If everyone was just having really GOOD orgasms I imagine a lot of the things we stress out about would not be as crucial as they become. And best believe I’ve had quite a few in the last few days since it arrived. Between my own vivid imagination, my copious amounts of girl on girl porn (odd considering I have no desire to date a woman–fuck her yes date her no–like ever but watching them get each other off makes me smile), and a book suggestion from a new friend on a lifestyle board I have had more than enough fodder to sacrifice kittens. I do feel bad for the little boogers as they are usually quite adorable but the ability to cum at will and with volume is priceless.
One or two of you may be wondering what the book suggestion was and I will be happy to tell you. It’s a memoir of a young woman named Sophie Morgan. Diary of a Submissive: A Modern True Tale of Sexual Awakening is probably one of the most normalizing journals those outside of BDSM could have to glimpse those inside of it. Not because she makes any dramatic revelations about what it is like to be a submissive. Probably just the opposite because outside of her kink Sophie is a quite normal young woman with a normal childhood who like many I assume met their kink with a bit of trepidation before being able to fully embrace who she is and what she likes. At moments I found myself in total agreement with her because despite what some people would believe I had a pretty normal childhood. My parents split up when I was eight but my father was never farther away than a phone call and save the trauma of going from a tomboy to a B cup over the summer my early life was pretty ideal. I had sex too early but attributed that to the B cup but didn’t really have an unpleasant experience. In fact I think I had been masturbating well before then because, like Sophie, it helped me sleep. it was a pleasurable experience to have someone else make me gooey and sticky and save another experience a few weeks later I didn’t have sex again for years.
Now when I started up again I started with gusto and can say I really only slowed down again when I started to figure out what I needed wasn’t going to be found in ridiculous numbers of orgasms because it alone wasn’t what got me off anymore. That would be around my second run through graduate school just so we’re clear so really just the last twelve years or so. I had random forays into BDSM but unlike Sophie I didn’t have anyone 1) understand what it was that I was looking for and 2) share that penchant enough with me to really hurt me. I had a few that were like her last lover in that the more they cared about me the less they could hurt me and even explaining to them that I needed and wanted the hurt didn’t fix that.
For those of your that remember, Emperor of the lovely accent and lack of sex loved hurting me and keeping me off balance. All well and good but I’m a bit of a slut for a good orgasm so when things started to misfire there I was hurt but honestly needed more than to be abused. Things with my RS were unfortunately mostly mental thanks to that deployment crap. He did take up residence in my brain and that was delightful fuel with which to kill off the kitten population. He inspired most of the stories on the blog so I’m sure you all miss him too. Good Nhyte was much like Sophie’s Thomas except we were in an actual relationship for four years and it kind of fizzled because of the outside pressures of life. The other difference would be GN did not seem to have Thomas’ need to relieve himself. I often joked with him that he was an orgasm camel because he just didn’t need to release often. When he did it was stellar especially when he’d slip into Dom space a bit but alas it just wasn’t frequent.
Upon fishing the book I flipped on the wand that had been nestled inside of me for the last few chapters. I was happy Sophie seemed to find her equal but the tension from her previous interactions with Thomas and James weren’t there for me. That could have been because it was the last chapter of the book just wrapping things up and he was more important to her than the others had been for a variety of reasons so there wasn’t the same level of sharing as their had been about the rest. Or it could have been because the level of debasement and humiliation wasn’t as floating out there as easily. I’m not sure if I get off on it as much as Sophie does but I think it’s because I am so much more of a brat than she is. I need to be broken almost every time. I will completely surrender to you but you have to take me to that point. You have to make me believe that to not submit to your will and desires will hurt me more than anyone else. You have to be assured enough that when you touch me, look at me, fuck me, speak to me that nothing else can distract me from that action or that hunger. If you can do any of that well and consistently then much like Sophie I’m a panting, dripping, wet sticky mess of a human who desperately needs you. I really miss needing someone in that way.
But I applaud Sophie for writing what she did. It does demystify some aspects of being a submissive and is a much more articulate explanation of what some submissives go through than I would have come up with. In all honesty, liking a good mind fuck to me is almost as basic as liking big boobs. It just happens to be what gets you off. Being on either side of the D/s slash for most people doesn’t mean someone is horribly warped with terrible abuse in their past that lead them to mix in pain with their pleasure. We want to be happy with our partners just like everyone else. There’s just a different layer to the dynamic. And while I noted this about Sophie and myself it may not apply to all submissive women either. Most of the subs I know are smart, accomplished women who are very independent in most areas of their lives. However, they want to, or I should say I want to, defer to my partner at the end of the day. I ache to let go and let him lead me into the depraved parts of both of us. If you’re curious grab the book or ask a question. I’ll answer what I can from my experience.